Dear Daddy,
I know, it's been a while. A lot has happened since I last wrote. I got the job on 10A at Baptist. I've been there for 8weeks now. I love it! I wasn't sure how I would handle working on the Cancer floor, but after everything I went through with you it really isn't that bad. I have my moments of sadness, and my moments where I hurt terribly for these patients; but then that one time I bring a smile to a hurting patient's face because of some silly story about the boys or just joking around with them then I realize why I'm there. It truly is for selfish reasons - I feel needed. I am their escape from reality.
I lost my first patient last week. He was precious. I'm sure you have met him by now. He reminded me so much of Papaw. He and his family were so sweet. The week before he died I went to visit him on my day off. He was looking so weak and he told me he was getting so tired. It's hard not to break down right there in front of them when you see how hard they fight and just get so tired of fighting. He and his wife had been married for 57 years, he was fighting just for her. He would continue on if that was what she wanted. How incredible that is. To love someone soooo much that you would go through hell on earth for them. I know that you and mom had that. I can only hope that mine and Jamie's relationship is like that. I know that I would do anything for him. I just think we get so caught up in the day to day living that we forget we have to work on us. Anyway, I got sidetracked. I did go to his funeral. Just felt like I should.
Each day is so different on that floor. Some days are just hard and some days I leave there feeling like I did something that made a difference in their life. Man do I miss you. I have been dreaming about you a lot lately. They aren't bad dreams, most of them I don't remember except that you were in them. Guess I just am thinking a lot about you.
Okay, funny stories:
James -
His latest saying is when you are doing something that is making him laugh, he says "stop doing that, you're cracking me out!"
Jamie was saying our nightly prayers and when he said amen, James said "daddy are you finished?" Jamie - "yes" James - "good, can we go to sleep now." (a lot like his mommy huh?)
Oh, James made student of the week. He got to bring Monkey George home for the weekend and we took all kinds of pics. Had to make scrapbook pages of their weekend and a poster board all about James. So, he gets to sleep on the loft in his classroom all week at naptime. I will get pics and post them.
Thomas -
Well, we went to Kroger the other day and I had a buggy full of groceries. The boys had been wanting candy, of course they want everything they see. Anyway, we got out to the car and Thomas said "mommy, I have gum under my leg" Well of course I thought he sat in gum. Then he whips out a package of gum that he was hiding. I marched him back into the store and made him tell the policeman what he had done. The policeman was no help, he laughed and said why thank you little man. Thanks a lot!!!
I know there are more stories, but I am so sleepy right now that I can't think of them. I have to get up early for work tomorrow. I love you daddy. Thank you for all you and mom did to raise me the way that I am .
Love,
Jan Your Baby girl forever!
Monday, October 6, 2008
Saturday, July 19, 2008
The RN
I got the job. I am the new oncology nurse at Baptist. I'm very excited. It just feels like the place I need to be. I know that there are going to be times when it is hard, and I'm going to feel like I am going through your illness all over again; but I just feel drawn to do this. I know what these families are going through and they need all the support they can get. I also know that you will help me when it gets tough.
Mom was so excited, that I met her in Conway yesterday afternoon and she bought me a bunch of scrubs. It's going to be nice to not have to worry about what to wear again. I just can't wait to get back to the hospital. I really missed it.
On another note: Thomas is going through the terrible, awful, end of the two's! YIKES! He has just been a little demon the last few days. I'm afraid he's gonna have bruises from all the spankings he has been getting. Hopefully this stage will pass soon. James is doing much better at school. He isn't crying as much. They are both just momma's boys. I love at night when they want to snuggle with me to go to sleep.
Well, I have to go work at the school. I love you and miss you a bunch.
Babygirl forever - Jan
Mom was so excited, that I met her in Conway yesterday afternoon and she bought me a bunch of scrubs. It's going to be nice to not have to worry about what to wear again. I just can't wait to get back to the hospital. I really missed it.
On another note: Thomas is going through the terrible, awful, end of the two's! YIKES! He has just been a little demon the last few days. I'm afraid he's gonna have bruises from all the spankings he has been getting. Hopefully this stage will pass soon. James is doing much better at school. He isn't crying as much. They are both just momma's boys. I love at night when they want to snuggle with me to go to sleep.
Well, I have to go work at the school. I love you and miss you a bunch.
Babygirl forever - Jan
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Parenthood - Why again did I agree to this?
Dear Daddy,
Well, if all goes well tomorrow I might have a job. I have interviewed twice now for a position on the oncology unit at Baptist. I feel really good about it. I know this is where I need to be. I can relate to what each family is going through. So, we will see.
So tonight after I mowed the yard I decided to load the boys up and go to Wal-Mart. Now I know why mom never took us shopping. They are getting so big that I can't put them in the buggy. (Just a side note: Why is it Sam's has the buggy with the two seater in the front, but Wal-Mart doesn't have them yet?) Well, I told the boys they had to hang on to the sides. Yeah, right. That worked for the first two isles. Then it was a total free for all after that. Running into each other, dragging each other on the floor, punching, hitting, kicking, etc. We looked like a bunch of white trash. Both boys had dirt all over their faces and clothes from playing outside. I had on a tank and shorts and looked a mess from mowing. They were nuts!!! When we finally got to one of the 5 checkouts that were open, (Another side note: Why have 28 checkout lanes when you are only going to have 5 open at all times.) anyway this is when all hell broke loose. James was hiding under the clothes racks and Thomas took off. I put James in the buggy and asked a total stranger to watch him while I chased Thomas down. Luckily a very nice couple noticed what was happening and the lady chased him down. I was panicked I just knew I was going to have to call a Code Adam. When I got back to the buggy, James was sitting there wide-eyed and knew he was in for it. Thomas on the other hand was sitting on the floor laughing and thought he was something else. That would be when I picked them both up, thanked the ladies that helped me and took them to the car; at which point they got a spanking with the pants down. On the way home I informed them both "When we get home you go straight to the bathroom, take off all your clothes and wait for me. You are both going to get another spanking, get a bath, get your pj's on and going straight to bed." At that point James said "Hey Mommy, do I need another spanking cause I didn't run off I stayed in the buggy and waited for you and Thomas." Well, he had a point there. When we got home, Thomas got another spanking for running off and they got a bath. Now they are both in bed where they will stay!!! I need a Valium! Please tell me it gets better.
Well, I need to go get cleaned up. Maybe a nice hot shower will help me. I love you Daddy and miss you so much!
Your baby girl forever - Jan
Well, if all goes well tomorrow I might have a job. I have interviewed twice now for a position on the oncology unit at Baptist. I feel really good about it. I know this is where I need to be. I can relate to what each family is going through. So, we will see.
So tonight after I mowed the yard I decided to load the boys up and go to Wal-Mart. Now I know why mom never took us shopping. They are getting so big that I can't put them in the buggy. (Just a side note: Why is it Sam's has the buggy with the two seater in the front, but Wal-Mart doesn't have them yet?) Well, I told the boys they had to hang on to the sides. Yeah, right. That worked for the first two isles. Then it was a total free for all after that. Running into each other, dragging each other on the floor, punching, hitting, kicking, etc. We looked like a bunch of white trash. Both boys had dirt all over their faces and clothes from playing outside. I had on a tank and shorts and looked a mess from mowing. They were nuts!!! When we finally got to one of the 5 checkouts that were open, (Another side note: Why have 28 checkout lanes when you are only going to have 5 open at all times.) anyway this is when all hell broke loose. James was hiding under the clothes racks and Thomas took off. I put James in the buggy and asked a total stranger to watch him while I chased Thomas down. Luckily a very nice couple noticed what was happening and the lady chased him down. I was panicked I just knew I was going to have to call a Code Adam. When I got back to the buggy, James was sitting there wide-eyed and knew he was in for it. Thomas on the other hand was sitting on the floor laughing and thought he was something else. That would be when I picked them both up, thanked the ladies that helped me and took them to the car; at which point they got a spanking with the pants down. On the way home I informed them both "When we get home you go straight to the bathroom, take off all your clothes and wait for me. You are both going to get another spanking, get a bath, get your pj's on and going straight to bed." At that point James said "Hey Mommy, do I need another spanking cause I didn't run off I stayed in the buggy and waited for you and Thomas." Well, he had a point there. When we got home, Thomas got another spanking for running off and they got a bath. Now they are both in bed where they will stay!!! I need a Valium! Please tell me it gets better.
Well, I need to go get cleaned up. Maybe a nice hot shower will help me. I love you Daddy and miss you so much!
Your baby girl forever - Jan
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Night-time Prayers
Dear Daddy,
We have been having some trouble getting boys to bed for some time now. Of course, it is our own fault. I'm so tired at night that it is just easier to fall asleep in their bed. So, last night we got home late and Jamie and I just made the decision to let the boys sleep with us. We all got snuggled in and Jamie said, "Mommy do you want to say the night time prayers?" I told him he could say them. He then asked James and he replied with "I don't want to, you do it." Then Thomas piped up and said "I will pray." We all got quite and then after a few moments of silence Thomas said "I don't hear anything?" Jamie told him, "son it's because you actually have to say something." He then told him, "I don't want to pray you do it daddy." So Jamie started the prayer and when it was almost over, I guess Thomas realized he would soon have to close his eyes and go to sleep, he started telling him what to pray for. "pray for me to not get sick, and the chairs, and the trees, and hmm let me think, think, think, think..." At that point I told him, "honey let Daddy finish the prayer so we can go to sleep." He wasn't happy with it, but at last we could finish the 30-minute long night-night prayer.
I brought Katherine to Mom's today. She is staying with her for several days. Man is she excited. She is in heaven. She can scrapbook, watch all the Hannah Montana she wants, eat junk, stay up late, and best of all Whitney isn't here to boss her around. Ahh, the life.
Tomorrow I am putting in applications at several hospitals. Mom worked on my resume and has it looking very impressive. Do you think you could pull some strings for me and get me just the right job, with the right pay?
I love you Dad!
Jan-Baby girl forever
We have been having some trouble getting boys to bed for some time now. Of course, it is our own fault. I'm so tired at night that it is just easier to fall asleep in their bed. So, last night we got home late and Jamie and I just made the decision to let the boys sleep with us. We all got snuggled in and Jamie said, "Mommy do you want to say the night time prayers?" I told him he could say them. He then asked James and he replied with "I don't want to, you do it." Then Thomas piped up and said "I will pray." We all got quite and then after a few moments of silence Thomas said "I don't hear anything?" Jamie told him, "son it's because you actually have to say something." He then told him, "I don't want to pray you do it daddy." So Jamie started the prayer and when it was almost over, I guess Thomas realized he would soon have to close his eyes and go to sleep, he started telling him what to pray for. "pray for me to not get sick, and the chairs, and the trees, and hmm let me think, think, think, think..." At that point I told him, "honey let Daddy finish the prayer so we can go to sleep." He wasn't happy with it, but at last we could finish the 30-minute long night-night prayer.
I brought Katherine to Mom's today. She is staying with her for several days. Man is she excited. She is in heaven. She can scrapbook, watch all the Hannah Montana she wants, eat junk, stay up late, and best of all Whitney isn't here to boss her around. Ahh, the life.
Tomorrow I am putting in applications at several hospitals. Mom worked on my resume and has it looking very impressive. Do you think you could pull some strings for me and get me just the right job, with the right pay?
I love you Dad!
Jan-Baby girl forever
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
God's Timing is Perfect!
Dear Daddy,
You know God's timing truly is perfect. Friday night he brought an old friend back into my life. (April) In all of my adult life I have only had three best friends. (Tahleigh, Jennie, and Renee') They know everything I have been through and they have helped me through the bad times. I have been praying though to be surrounded by really good girlfriends that I can just hang out with. He answered my prayers. Yesterday I went to Wild River with Katherine and April was there, along with Christi and Jackie. I had a blast. We all talked all afternoon, to the point that I lost track of time and found myself not wanting to leave because I was enjoying the company. Don't get me wrong, I am thoroughly enjoying my time with mom and we have become really close. I just want some girlfriends, that I can go out to lunch with an shoot the breeze with. Jennie and I used to just go to Sonic at 10:00 at night, for no reason at all but just to talk and eat ice cream. Renee' and I used to call each other and sit on our porches to talk, because we were too lazy to walk across the street. Tahleigh, well she knows everything about me. We've been friends forever. Anyway, I said all of that to say this - it's good to be back home and be surrounded by friends.
Okay, funny story. Sunday on the way to church the boys wanted Jamie to tell them a story about airplanes. Here is how the story went:
Jamie: Once upon a time a little boy, with his mom and dad were taking animals on an airplane
James: What kind of animals
Thomas: Was I on the airplane Daddy
Jamie: There were pigs, and horses, and cows and yes Thomas you were on the airplane
James: What about me
Jamie: James you were on the airplane too. Okay so, once upon a time James, Thomas and Daddy were on an airplane carrying animals
Thomas: What about mommy
Jamie: And mommy was on the airplane too
Thomas: What can I do
Jamie: Thomas you are in charge of the pigs
James: What about me Daddy
Jamie: You are in charge of the horses
James: No I want to be in charge of the pigs
Thomas: What can Mommy do
Jamie: Okay, Thomas you are in charge of the horses, James you are in charge of the pigs and Mommy is in charge of picking up all the poop
Mommy: Why do I get the gross job
James: Just give Mommy what she wants Daddy
Jamie: Okay, once upon a time James, Thomas, Mommy and Daddy were all on an airplane with horses and pigs and cows and
James: Daddy when you are done telling your story I want to tell you one
Jamie: Just tell me your story cause I don't think Daddy will ever get to finish this one
We tried to do the same thing to James while he told his story, crazy thing is he enjoyed us stopping him. He never once got flustered he just answered our questions.
I guess I should get to work. I love you daddy!
Love,
Jan - Baby girl forever
You know God's timing truly is perfect. Friday night he brought an old friend back into my life. (April) In all of my adult life I have only had three best friends. (Tahleigh, Jennie, and Renee') They know everything I have been through and they have helped me through the bad times. I have been praying though to be surrounded by really good girlfriends that I can just hang out with. He answered my prayers. Yesterday I went to Wild River with Katherine and April was there, along with Christi and Jackie. I had a blast. We all talked all afternoon, to the point that I lost track of time and found myself not wanting to leave because I was enjoying the company. Don't get me wrong, I am thoroughly enjoying my time with mom and we have become really close. I just want some girlfriends, that I can go out to lunch with an shoot the breeze with. Jennie and I used to just go to Sonic at 10:00 at night, for no reason at all but just to talk and eat ice cream. Renee' and I used to call each other and sit on our porches to talk, because we were too lazy to walk across the street. Tahleigh, well she knows everything about me. We've been friends forever. Anyway, I said all of that to say this - it's good to be back home and be surrounded by friends.
Okay, funny story. Sunday on the way to church the boys wanted Jamie to tell them a story about airplanes. Here is how the story went:
Jamie: Once upon a time a little boy, with his mom and dad were taking animals on an airplane
James: What kind of animals
Thomas: Was I on the airplane Daddy
Jamie: There were pigs, and horses, and cows and yes Thomas you were on the airplane
James: What about me
Jamie: James you were on the airplane too. Okay so, once upon a time James, Thomas and Daddy were on an airplane carrying animals
Thomas: What about mommy
Jamie: And mommy was on the airplane too
Thomas: What can I do
Jamie: Thomas you are in charge of the pigs
James: What about me Daddy
Jamie: You are in charge of the horses
James: No I want to be in charge of the pigs
Thomas: What can Mommy do
Jamie: Okay, Thomas you are in charge of the horses, James you are in charge of the pigs and Mommy is in charge of picking up all the poop
Mommy: Why do I get the gross job
James: Just give Mommy what she wants Daddy
Jamie: Okay, once upon a time James, Thomas, Mommy and Daddy were all on an airplane with horses and pigs and cows and
James: Daddy when you are done telling your story I want to tell you one
Jamie: Just tell me your story cause I don't think Daddy will ever get to finish this one
We tried to do the same thing to James while he told his story, crazy thing is he enjoyed us stopping him. He never once got flustered he just answered our questions.
I guess I should get to work. I love you daddy!
Love,
Jan - Baby girl forever
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Truth
Dear Daddy,
Truth is, I am terrified about going back to work. I’ve been out for 3 years now, what if I’m really not that good a nurse. I am truly scared, but I am going to go back. My plan is to get my resume ready this weekend and start the job hunt Monday. I can use all the good luck you can give me.
Truth is, I have really enjoyed having the boys home with me. I am typing this letter next to James, who has his computer with him typing as fast as me. The boys are getting so big. I just don’t want to miss out on anything. I don’t want work to pull me away from anything they are doing. I’m sure lots of mom’s feel the same way. Guess I shouldn’t be so spoiled about it. I just think about my life as a kid and what I remember most and cherish the most were the times we all spent together as a family. I remember you letting us ride on your back around the house. Going on trips to Branson and Eureka Springs. Do you remember the cabin in the woods we stayed in and watched the movie “The Birds”. I was so freaked out for days. I just knew the birds were going to come get us in the woods. We had some good family vacations.
Truth is, Dana doesn’t need me anymore. She is getting married. Storm finally bought her a ring and they will probably be married by the end of the summer. Don’t get me wrong I am very happy for her. But it always feels good to be needed. The girls really love him and he is so good to all of them. They need a Dad and I’m glad that they have found someone who will love them and treat them good. Those girls have gotten so big and they miss you so much. Whitney is 5’8” and gorgeous. She has been giving Dana fits, but Dana has her in counseling and I think it will help. Katherine is just as cute as she can be. I’m not real sure how much she remembers of you, but she talks about you a lot. I hate that you aren’t here to enjoy all of your grandkids.
Truth is, Jamie and I are a lot better than we have been. Boy, there are so many things that can strain a marriage. All the crap that we have been through in the last two years has really hurt us. Things are getting better. We had a great talk the other day and really, I think if we would just communicate instead of hiding behind our kids our life together would be so much better. I love him and he reminds me a lot of you. I just don’t want to see him waste his talents. He has so many great ideas and could really do great things and maybe the school is his calling, I just have to trust his instincts.
Truth is, I miss you so much! I know I say it every time, but it is true. I want you here so bad. Life changed so much once you left. I’m not a fan of change either! I just wish you could be here with the boys. You would enjoy every minute with them. They both love to fish. James doesn’t want to touch the fish and Thomas would eat them right out of the water. Thomas definitely has your sense of humor and James is starting to look just like you. Thomas still calls Pastor Rod, Grandfather. Anytime I need a Dad hug I know I can get one from him. They just aren’t the same though. There is something about a Daddy’s hug, not only do you feel engulfed by them, but you also feel the intense love your Daddy has for you in them. Okay, gonna have to get off this subject, starting to cry.
Funny stories about the boys:
James:
Jamie had the boys in the car and they drove by McClellan, where the big boys were out practicing football. Jamie told them, “Look boys, they are practicing football. They will practice for the next three months to get ready for the season.” James said, “Three months, that will take weeks!”
He calls Wild River Country “Wild Berry Country”
Thomas:
Thomas was sitting in the chair with me the other night. I was talking to James and Thomas flicked me on my face. I said “hey why are you doing that”. He looked at me and smiled and said “You need to chill out!” Where do these kids learn these things!
Well, I love you and miss you just as much.
Truth is, I am terrified about going back to work. I’ve been out for 3 years now, what if I’m really not that good a nurse. I am truly scared, but I am going to go back. My plan is to get my resume ready this weekend and start the job hunt Monday. I can use all the good luck you can give me.
Truth is, I have really enjoyed having the boys home with me. I am typing this letter next to James, who has his computer with him typing as fast as me. The boys are getting so big. I just don’t want to miss out on anything. I don’t want work to pull me away from anything they are doing. I’m sure lots of mom’s feel the same way. Guess I shouldn’t be so spoiled about it. I just think about my life as a kid and what I remember most and cherish the most were the times we all spent together as a family. I remember you letting us ride on your back around the house. Going on trips to Branson and Eureka Springs. Do you remember the cabin in the woods we stayed in and watched the movie “The Birds”. I was so freaked out for days. I just knew the birds were going to come get us in the woods. We had some good family vacations.
Truth is, Dana doesn’t need me anymore. She is getting married. Storm finally bought her a ring and they will probably be married by the end of the summer. Don’t get me wrong I am very happy for her. But it always feels good to be needed. The girls really love him and he is so good to all of them. They need a Dad and I’m glad that they have found someone who will love them and treat them good. Those girls have gotten so big and they miss you so much. Whitney is 5’8” and gorgeous. She has been giving Dana fits, but Dana has her in counseling and I think it will help. Katherine is just as cute as she can be. I’m not real sure how much she remembers of you, but she talks about you a lot. I hate that you aren’t here to enjoy all of your grandkids.
Truth is, Jamie and I are a lot better than we have been. Boy, there are so many things that can strain a marriage. All the crap that we have been through in the last two years has really hurt us. Things are getting better. We had a great talk the other day and really, I think if we would just communicate instead of hiding behind our kids our life together would be so much better. I love him and he reminds me a lot of you. I just don’t want to see him waste his talents. He has so many great ideas and could really do great things and maybe the school is his calling, I just have to trust his instincts.
Truth is, I miss you so much! I know I say it every time, but it is true. I want you here so bad. Life changed so much once you left. I’m not a fan of change either! I just wish you could be here with the boys. You would enjoy every minute with them. They both love to fish. James doesn’t want to touch the fish and Thomas would eat them right out of the water. Thomas definitely has your sense of humor and James is starting to look just like you. Thomas still calls Pastor Rod, Grandfather. Anytime I need a Dad hug I know I can get one from him. They just aren’t the same though. There is something about a Daddy’s hug, not only do you feel engulfed by them, but you also feel the intense love your Daddy has for you in them. Okay, gonna have to get off this subject, starting to cry.
Funny stories about the boys:
James:
Jamie had the boys in the car and they drove by McClellan, where the big boys were out practicing football. Jamie told them, “Look boys, they are practicing football. They will practice for the next three months to get ready for the season.” James said, “Three months, that will take weeks!”
He calls Wild River Country “Wild Berry Country”
Thomas:
Thomas was sitting in the chair with me the other night. I was talking to James and Thomas flicked me on my face. I said “hey why are you doing that”. He looked at me and smiled and said “You need to chill out!” Where do these kids learn these things!
Well, I love you and miss you just as much.
Love forever,
Jan "Baby girl"
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Father's Day
Dear Daddy,
Well, Mamaw Feroben just joined the big family reunion. I know she was so happy to see all of you. Dana said that she probably had you playing the piano for her first thing. Aunt Patsy told us the news Tuesday. We weren’t able to go, but I think we all pretty much said our goodbyes the last time we saw her. She looked so frail then, but she still had that great sense of humor. With her Alzheimer’s as bad as it was, she really didn’t know anybody. She was so pleasant though and she had her little baby doll that she clung to. I asked her if she wanted to trade for Thomas and she just smiled at me and said “I don’t think so!” Then just laughed. She was such a sweet lady and we will miss her a bunch.
It’s funny how certain things can bring back a flood of memories. Every time I see a big beautiful hydrangea bush I think of Mamaw and Papaw’s house (Your Mom and Dad’s house). Remembering all the fun times we had during the summer. I’m glad that you and mom allowed us to go visit them and Granny & Grandpa every summer. I cherish all the times we spent with all of them. I loved hearing Mamaw tell us all the stories of you growing up. She told us about the time you skipped school and she said “Franky was always so worried about what we would think that his conscious would get the best of him before we could and he would tell us everything before we even asked.” I remember her telling me that on that one occasion she was so disappointed in you and you knew it, that you went to her and asked if the two of you could pray together. Even as a kid you were full of faith. Now, you weren’t so full of faith when you and your friends decided to throw cherry bombs in the toilet at school! HA!!!
Well, Father’s Day is tomorrow. This holiday is worse than any other one. It is the one day set aside to honor you, but you aren’t here. I envy the ones that still have their daddy’s! I was wishing today that I could just have one of your hugs. I guess the thing I have struggled with the most is that life moves on for everyone else. I’m sure everyone who has lost someone special to them has struggled with this. Life goes on, but I don’t want anyone to forget how special you were. I just beam when someone mentions your name, or something they miss about you. Because that means they haven’t forgotten about you. Silly, huh? You were just so incredibly special to me and always will be. No one will ever take your place, but I am glad to have Tommy here to help fill the void a little. If you don’t mind, I am going to give mom some money towards a Father’s Day present.
Dana talked to me most of the way to mom’s house last night. We were talking about Mamaw Feroben and all of our family that have passed on. Then we both started thinking about when Mama Forbes died. It wasn’t long after Mamaw and Papaw died. You were so upset. Dana and I sat in the back of the church and I will never forget seeing you at her coffin. You were laid over her and just shaking and sobbing. I had never seen you like that before. I was so upset because my Daddy was hurting and I didn’t know how to fix it. Dana felt the same way. Of course, then we admitted to each other that we both cried anytime we saw you or Mom crying, whether it be at home or at church. We just love you both and never wanted to see you hurting.
Well, Mamaw Feroben just joined the big family reunion. I know she was so happy to see all of you. Dana said that she probably had you playing the piano for her first thing. Aunt Patsy told us the news Tuesday. We weren’t able to go, but I think we all pretty much said our goodbyes the last time we saw her. She looked so frail then, but she still had that great sense of humor. With her Alzheimer’s as bad as it was, she really didn’t know anybody. She was so pleasant though and she had her little baby doll that she clung to. I asked her if she wanted to trade for Thomas and she just smiled at me and said “I don’t think so!” Then just laughed. She was such a sweet lady and we will miss her a bunch.
It’s funny how certain things can bring back a flood of memories. Every time I see a big beautiful hydrangea bush I think of Mamaw and Papaw’s house (Your Mom and Dad’s house). Remembering all the fun times we had during the summer. I’m glad that you and mom allowed us to go visit them and Granny & Grandpa every summer. I cherish all the times we spent with all of them. I loved hearing Mamaw tell us all the stories of you growing up. She told us about the time you skipped school and she said “Franky was always so worried about what we would think that his conscious would get the best of him before we could and he would tell us everything before we even asked.” I remember her telling me that on that one occasion she was so disappointed in you and you knew it, that you went to her and asked if the two of you could pray together. Even as a kid you were full of faith. Now, you weren’t so full of faith when you and your friends decided to throw cherry bombs in the toilet at school! HA!!!
Well, Father’s Day is tomorrow. This holiday is worse than any other one. It is the one day set aside to honor you, but you aren’t here. I envy the ones that still have their daddy’s! I was wishing today that I could just have one of your hugs. I guess the thing I have struggled with the most is that life moves on for everyone else. I’m sure everyone who has lost someone special to them has struggled with this. Life goes on, but I don’t want anyone to forget how special you were. I just beam when someone mentions your name, or something they miss about you. Because that means they haven’t forgotten about you. Silly, huh? You were just so incredibly special to me and always will be. No one will ever take your place, but I am glad to have Tommy here to help fill the void a little. If you don’t mind, I am going to give mom some money towards a Father’s Day present.
Dana talked to me most of the way to mom’s house last night. We were talking about Mamaw Feroben and all of our family that have passed on. Then we both started thinking about when Mama Forbes died. It wasn’t long after Mamaw and Papaw died. You were so upset. Dana and I sat in the back of the church and I will never forget seeing you at her coffin. You were laid over her and just shaking and sobbing. I had never seen you like that before. I was so upset because my Daddy was hurting and I didn’t know how to fix it. Dana felt the same way. Of course, then we admitted to each other that we both cried anytime we saw you or Mom crying, whether it be at home or at church. We just love you both and never wanted to see you hurting.
Happy Father's Day to the most wonderful Father in the world. You will always be #1 in my book.
Okay so some stories about the boys:
Thomas loves to ride Grandaddy's mower. He calls it the motor. Last week he brought it to the house and Thomas and I mowed the grass. Well, needless to say I am glad that wasn't caught on camera. I'm sure the neighbors got quite a laugh. I didn't know that there was a bar above me in the back and well it got caught twice on a tree and a cable, at which point the front tires came completely off the ground. Threw it in reverse quickly and Thomas looked back at me both times and said "That was close Mommy!" Then I thought it might be nice of me to put it back on the trailer before Jamie got back. Did you know trailers need to be hooked to a vehicle before you load a mower on it. Well, now I do. Tipped the front end up and then sped up on it and slammed the thing down. Stupid huh?
James is going through a pretty rotten phase. He has become a brat! Jamie and I are trying our best to get him out of this phase pretty quick. I cannot stand the whining and the sassiness. Hopefully it won't last much longer. Just a lot of time outs and spankings.
I love you forever!
Jan - Baby girl
Monday, June 2, 2008
When I get big, will you marry me?
Dear Daddy,
I have caught myself having some of the same conversations with James and Thomas that you had with me. I ask them all the time to stay little for Mommy. James replies “But Mommy, I want to get big like you and Daddy”. He asked me the other day “Mommy, is it okay if I get big even since you want me to stay little?”. My reply “I guess so.” James: “Mommy, when I get big will you marry me?” Well, now I know how much it melted your heart when I asked you the very same thing. My mind immediately went back to being 6 and having that same conversation with you. I still remember the smile it brought to your face.
I think one of my fondest memories was when I was in High school and some punk broke my heart. I was sitting in the front living room just crying. You came in and sat next to me on the couch and put your arm around me and said “Just stay with Dad, I won’t ever break your heart.” Then we watched the Jungle Book together and you made me laugh by singing the King of the Jungle. Years later, we are standing together at the back of the church waiting to go down the aisle and you looked at me and said “You know you don’t have to get married, you could just stay with Dad and I will go and tell everyone and no one will be upset.” I said “Dad, I love you but I gotta get married.” Looks like I married my Dad after all. Jamie is a lot like you. I must say though, you didn’t live up to your end of the deal. You did break my heart, the day you died. I haven’t been the same since. I know it wasn’t your fault and it was God’s timing, but it still hurt the same. Just shows how much I loved you. Your six year anniversary was the 25th. I’m sorry I didn’t go to the cemetery. It’s just too hard. The reality of it really hits you when you see that headstone. I know you aren’t there, and I know you understand why I didn’t go.
Well, I will start job hunting next week. That’s right, I’m going back to work at the hospital. I’ve missed it. I really enjoyed getting to know the families and patients. I know it is what I was meant to do or I wouldn’t love it so much. I will probably try to get a job at Baptist. I just don’t want to be away from my boys. They are so young and I don’t want to miss anything with them. I am strongly considering the weekend option. Work Saturday night and Sunday night. I can go straight from work to church and go to first service. Then, Dana is going to let me just come sleep the day at her house. So, that would mean I’m only gone from the boys for one day and I have the rest of the week with them. I wish you could tell me your thoughts on this. I’m sure you would think it was okay. I know your only concern would be church. Pastor Rod is interesting enough, that I doubt I would sleep thru his sermons. (HA!!)
Speaking of church, you wouldn’t believe how much it has changed. We have gone to three services now, can you believe it? It’s pretty strange. I know it has got to be a struggle on the staff. The church itself is doing really good. I have done two CPR classes for them. It was strange Saturday, because I taught Pam, Reta, and Shirley “Judy”. They have known me since I was in junior high and now I am teaching them. Crazy huh? I know you would have been puffed up with pride. Anyway, they are getting ready to start a Mother’s Day Out program, so that was why I was doing the CPR classes. Kids in Worship was last night. Katherine had a solo and did so good. Got lots of pictures. Afterwards, we went out with Dana and girls and Storm's family. You would love his mom and dad. They are really sweet. Mom and Tommy really enjoyed talking with them. I really think Storm is the one for Dana. I haven’t seen her this happy in a long time. He has already asked all of us for our blessing to ask for her hand in marriage. He even talked to Pastor Rod. From what I understand he gave him the Father talk that he promised you he would. I know that you had some conversations with him and I will probably never know what what said, but I am glad that you two were so close. I know he has a lot on his plate and he has to be a lot of things to a lot of people; but he has really made all of us feel like we weren’t abandoned.
Mom is doing good. I have been going up there on Thursday’s and spending time with her. We scrapbook and goof off. This past Thursday when I got there, she said “let’s just go shopping and not stay at the house.” Of course I said well sure! You know me, I am always up for shopping. We saved you quite a bit of money!!!! We laughed so much that day and just really enjoyed being together. She is really happy. Of course, none of us will ever truly be the same since you are gone but we are making the best of it. Tommy is so good to her and I really do love him. He will never take your place, but thanks for sending someone who cares for me like you did.
Let’s see, James just finished baseball. That was a joke! He is so shy that baseball was just not his thing. Every time he would get up to bat, if he hit the ball of course everyone would scream; well he thought they were mad at him and he would run straight to the dugout crying. I always make the joke that if they hadn’t cut the umbilical cord he would still be attached. He would stand in the field and cry and say “Mommy I want you”. Pitiful! We would bribe him with ice cream cones, doughnuts, icee’s anything we could think of to just stay out on the field. When it was his turn to bat, I would have to stand right next to the batter’s box just so he would go up there. You would have laughed so hard. But, it is finally over. We go Thursday night to the party to get our trophy. Jamie and I have earned it!!!!
Okay, some funny stories about the boys:
James loves to quote movies. The great thing is that now he knows when to quote them. Two examples:
1. The other night, while I was gone, the boys kept going into the front room where I keep all my stuff. Jamie told them several times to stay out of there and turned out the light. Not a minute later James was in there and Jamie really got on to him. He came out of the room and sat in the doorway. He lowered his head down and said “I'm such a loser”. Jamie was so upset and asked him "where in the world did you hear that?" James looked up and smiled and said "The Barnyard", then went on about his business.
2. Friday, James and Thomas were helping us work outside. James was sitting down and Jamie said “come on James, help Daddy.” James replied “I’m too tired.” Jamie: “Why, you haven’t really done anything.” James: “You been kickin my butt for two days now.” Jamie just came unglued and said “who taught you that”. James “From Open Season”. Of course, we had to teach him that we don’t say butt. Amazing what they pick up.
Thomas is just plain funny. No matter what he says or does. Last night while we were eating he shoved a whole bunch of spaghetti in his mouth, then stood up in the chair and said “Look at me Mommy, I’m stronger.” Then proceeded to flex his tiny muscles. Of course, everyone at the table got a good laugh. The kid is a bottom-less pit. He likes everything that you eat. If I am sitting on the couch eating bran cereal he comes up and says “Hey mommy will you share with me.” How can you resist.
Well, I love you so much. I am going to try and do better and write at least every couple of days. I miss you so much!
I love you forever!
Jan – Baby Girl
I have caught myself having some of the same conversations with James and Thomas that you had with me. I ask them all the time to stay little for Mommy. James replies “But Mommy, I want to get big like you and Daddy”. He asked me the other day “Mommy, is it okay if I get big even since you want me to stay little?”. My reply “I guess so.” James: “Mommy, when I get big will you marry me?” Well, now I know how much it melted your heart when I asked you the very same thing. My mind immediately went back to being 6 and having that same conversation with you. I still remember the smile it brought to your face.
I think one of my fondest memories was when I was in High school and some punk broke my heart. I was sitting in the front living room just crying. You came in and sat next to me on the couch and put your arm around me and said “Just stay with Dad, I won’t ever break your heart.” Then we watched the Jungle Book together and you made me laugh by singing the King of the Jungle. Years later, we are standing together at the back of the church waiting to go down the aisle and you looked at me and said “You know you don’t have to get married, you could just stay with Dad and I will go and tell everyone and no one will be upset.” I said “Dad, I love you but I gotta get married.” Looks like I married my Dad after all. Jamie is a lot like you. I must say though, you didn’t live up to your end of the deal. You did break my heart, the day you died. I haven’t been the same since. I know it wasn’t your fault and it was God’s timing, but it still hurt the same. Just shows how much I loved you. Your six year anniversary was the 25th. I’m sorry I didn’t go to the cemetery. It’s just too hard. The reality of it really hits you when you see that headstone. I know you aren’t there, and I know you understand why I didn’t go.
Well, I will start job hunting next week. That’s right, I’m going back to work at the hospital. I’ve missed it. I really enjoyed getting to know the families and patients. I know it is what I was meant to do or I wouldn’t love it so much. I will probably try to get a job at Baptist. I just don’t want to be away from my boys. They are so young and I don’t want to miss anything with them. I am strongly considering the weekend option. Work Saturday night and Sunday night. I can go straight from work to church and go to first service. Then, Dana is going to let me just come sleep the day at her house. So, that would mean I’m only gone from the boys for one day and I have the rest of the week with them. I wish you could tell me your thoughts on this. I’m sure you would think it was okay. I know your only concern would be church. Pastor Rod is interesting enough, that I doubt I would sleep thru his sermons. (HA!!)
Speaking of church, you wouldn’t believe how much it has changed. We have gone to three services now, can you believe it? It’s pretty strange. I know it has got to be a struggle on the staff. The church itself is doing really good. I have done two CPR classes for them. It was strange Saturday, because I taught Pam, Reta, and Shirley “Judy”. They have known me since I was in junior high and now I am teaching them. Crazy huh? I know you would have been puffed up with pride. Anyway, they are getting ready to start a Mother’s Day Out program, so that was why I was doing the CPR classes. Kids in Worship was last night. Katherine had a solo and did so good. Got lots of pictures. Afterwards, we went out with Dana and girls and Storm's family. You would love his mom and dad. They are really sweet. Mom and Tommy really enjoyed talking with them. I really think Storm is the one for Dana. I haven’t seen her this happy in a long time. He has already asked all of us for our blessing to ask for her hand in marriage. He even talked to Pastor Rod. From what I understand he gave him the Father talk that he promised you he would. I know that you had some conversations with him and I will probably never know what what said, but I am glad that you two were so close. I know he has a lot on his plate and he has to be a lot of things to a lot of people; but he has really made all of us feel like we weren’t abandoned.
Mom is doing good. I have been going up there on Thursday’s and spending time with her. We scrapbook and goof off. This past Thursday when I got there, she said “let’s just go shopping and not stay at the house.” Of course I said well sure! You know me, I am always up for shopping. We saved you quite a bit of money!!!! We laughed so much that day and just really enjoyed being together. She is really happy. Of course, none of us will ever truly be the same since you are gone but we are making the best of it. Tommy is so good to her and I really do love him. He will never take your place, but thanks for sending someone who cares for me like you did.
Let’s see, James just finished baseball. That was a joke! He is so shy that baseball was just not his thing. Every time he would get up to bat, if he hit the ball of course everyone would scream; well he thought they were mad at him and he would run straight to the dugout crying. I always make the joke that if they hadn’t cut the umbilical cord he would still be attached. He would stand in the field and cry and say “Mommy I want you”. Pitiful! We would bribe him with ice cream cones, doughnuts, icee’s anything we could think of to just stay out on the field. When it was his turn to bat, I would have to stand right next to the batter’s box just so he would go up there. You would have laughed so hard. But, it is finally over. We go Thursday night to the party to get our trophy. Jamie and I have earned it!!!!
Okay, some funny stories about the boys:
James loves to quote movies. The great thing is that now he knows when to quote them. Two examples:
1. The other night, while I was gone, the boys kept going into the front room where I keep all my stuff. Jamie told them several times to stay out of there and turned out the light. Not a minute later James was in there and Jamie really got on to him. He came out of the room and sat in the doorway. He lowered his head down and said “I'm such a loser”. Jamie was so upset and asked him "where in the world did you hear that?" James looked up and smiled and said "The Barnyard", then went on about his business.
2. Friday, James and Thomas were helping us work outside. James was sitting down and Jamie said “come on James, help Daddy.” James replied “I’m too tired.” Jamie: “Why, you haven’t really done anything.” James: “You been kickin my butt for two days now.” Jamie just came unglued and said “who taught you that”. James “From Open Season”. Of course, we had to teach him that we don’t say butt. Amazing what they pick up.
Thomas is just plain funny. No matter what he says or does. Last night while we were eating he shoved a whole bunch of spaghetti in his mouth, then stood up in the chair and said “Look at me Mommy, I’m stronger.” Then proceeded to flex his tiny muscles. Of course, everyone at the table got a good laugh. The kid is a bottom-less pit. He likes everything that you eat. If I am sitting on the couch eating bran cereal he comes up and says “Hey mommy will you share with me.” How can you resist.
Well, I love you so much. I am going to try and do better and write at least every couple of days. I miss you so much!
I love you forever!
Jan – Baby Girl
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Ramblings
Dear Daddy,
Yesterday my baby officially turned 4. Boy was I sad. I’m not ready for him to be big. The State Police helicopter came out and of course he thought it was because it was his birthday. They both enjoyed seeing it and getting inside of it. We had Safety Day today and had Fire, Police, Ambulance, etc. here. The boys really enjoyed it. The Police officer with the K9 was here as well. James came up to me outside and said “Mommy, I gotta tell you something. Maybe Jordie and Gino (the K9) can be friends and he can come over and play.” Funny how their little minds work.
I have lost 3 pounds. I started doing Pilates in the morning and in the evening. Also started cutting back on how much junk I eat. You always told me this day was coming when I would have to watch what I was eating. I have to say though, I feel much better now that I have been working out. It really does give me more energy.
I had a long talk with a good friend of mine last night. I have really been struggling lately. I wish that I could learn to be content. I wish that it didn’t bother me to not have a lot of material things. You were so good at that. You were content to stay in the same house until you were old and gray. You bought some extravagant things but you didn’t believe in credit cards, so if it meant you had to wait a while you did. I just wish I could be like that. I guess it’s just really hard now. We went from having the nice $300,000 house and the material things we wanted to being back where we started when we first married. It’s hard to go back. Don’t get me wrong, I am very happy with our home. The boys are so destructive that I don’t really want to get a new home until they are much older. But, Jamie’s car died and we just can’t make a car payment right now. So, he is driving a school van and relying on me when there isn’t a van available. I know that if we ever want to get something new I will definitely have to go back to work. I just miss the days of being home with the boys and watching their every growing moment. Jamie is happy being at the school and really feels like this is his purpose in life. I can’t ask him to change that because I am greedy. He is providing for us, he is working extra to pay for life insurance and he is doing a great job with the bills. So, instead I am going to go back to work at the hospital 2 days a week; which will enable me to get insurance. Once I start working we should be able to get a reliable vehicle. I know, some of this is just immaturity on my part. I just wish I could get past the whole “keeping up with the Jones’s”.
Well, enough of that. Mother’s Day is coming up this weekend. Dana and I want to do something with Mom and really make her feel special. I received a beautiful flower arrangement from Mom today for Mother’s Day. She is always so good at those things. She never misses a birthday, anniversary, special day, you name it she’s got a card for it. Makes you feel loved.
I love you Daddy. I know I say it every time, but I miss you so much!
Love,
Jan – Your Baby Girl Forever
I have lost 3 pounds. I started doing Pilates in the morning and in the evening. Also started cutting back on how much junk I eat. You always told me this day was coming when I would have to watch what I was eating. I have to say though, I feel much better now that I have been working out. It really does give me more energy.
I had a long talk with a good friend of mine last night. I have really been struggling lately. I wish that I could learn to be content. I wish that it didn’t bother me to not have a lot of material things. You were so good at that. You were content to stay in the same house until you were old and gray. You bought some extravagant things but you didn’t believe in credit cards, so if it meant you had to wait a while you did. I just wish I could be like that. I guess it’s just really hard now. We went from having the nice $300,000 house and the material things we wanted to being back where we started when we first married. It’s hard to go back. Don’t get me wrong, I am very happy with our home. The boys are so destructive that I don’t really want to get a new home until they are much older. But, Jamie’s car died and we just can’t make a car payment right now. So, he is driving a school van and relying on me when there isn’t a van available. I know that if we ever want to get something new I will definitely have to go back to work. I just miss the days of being home with the boys and watching their every growing moment. Jamie is happy being at the school and really feels like this is his purpose in life. I can’t ask him to change that because I am greedy. He is providing for us, he is working extra to pay for life insurance and he is doing a great job with the bills. So, instead I am going to go back to work at the hospital 2 days a week; which will enable me to get insurance. Once I start working we should be able to get a reliable vehicle. I know, some of this is just immaturity on my part. I just wish I could get past the whole “keeping up with the Jones’s”.
Well, enough of that. Mother’s Day is coming up this weekend. Dana and I want to do something with Mom and really make her feel special. I received a beautiful flower arrangement from Mom today for Mother’s Day. She is always so good at those things. She never misses a birthday, anniversary, special day, you name it she’s got a card for it. Makes you feel loved.
I love you Daddy. I know I say it every time, but I miss you so much!
Love,
Jan – Your Baby Girl Forever
Monday, May 5, 2008
The Party
Dear Daddy,
Well, this weekend we had James’ 4th birthday party. It was a gorgeous day! We had everyone over to the house and the jumpers out. He had a Star Wars party. You would have loved it. He got lots of light sabers (or as he calls it “life savers”). I just can’t believe he is already turning 4. Life goes by so quick, just seems like yesterday he was a tiny infant.
Dana and the girls were there with Storm. You would love him. He is so good to the girls and to Dana. He just adores them. I’m pretty sure they will marry. Dana seems really happy. Whitney is giving her fits, but she hasn’t been the same since the divorce and your passing. The girls haven’t seen their father in almost 2 years now. I tend to think that is a good thing. But, the effects of not having a strong father figure in their life is starting to show. I worry about them. You know I would do anything for them. So if you could, please watch over them when we can’t. Be that little voice in Whitney’s ear to keep her from doing wrong. Dana is struggling a little with her relationship with Storm. She needs you to tell her to let go and love again. She is so scared of being hurt, that it has become easy for her to make excuses and be alone. I want to see all of them happy again. The girls need a father so badly; they need that affirmation and love. I was so lucky to have you as a Daddy! Please, let Storm be that person for them.
I had a sleepover with some girls from the school Saturday night. It was so much fun feeling like a kid again. Sunday we got up and three of them went to church with me. The sermon was amazing! Pastor Rod was talking to us about Watching out for our children. It was more about the responsibilities we have to each generation. I was sitting in that service and thinking about whether or not I am a good leader. I hope that I can be half the leader you were. He was talking about how when we are older it isn’t about accomplishments anymore, but more about the legacy we will leave behind. You left a wonderful legacy of Faith and commitment. I admire all that you accomplished in your life, but more than that I admire your commitment to God and your Family. You never once let me down. Not sure how many kids can say that about their parents. I knew I could always count on you for anything. You supported me, you encouraged me, but most of all you loved me. I still remember you waking us up in the early mornings and us having prayer together as a family. Dana and I mostly slept, but I could still here you praying for us. Asking God to watch over us and guide our lives. Thank you for that legacy. I hope that I can be as good a role model not only to those girls, but also to my kids.
Well, in the next couple of weeks I will be looking for a job at the hospital. I miss working in the hospital. It was so rewarding. Getting to know the patients and their families. I just love it. I am going to work part-time so that I can get insurance and then still work at the school one day a week. Then one day I will be with the babies and one day will be for scrap booking with mom.
Hopefully, we will be able to get a new car after I start working there. Jamie’s Infinity finally died and the Mountaineer is on its last leg. Gas prices are outrageous, and I wish we could get something smaller but if we ever decide to have another baby we would need a bigger car. So, guess I’m just going to have to endure the gas prices. Sure wish I could get your advice on what to get. You were always good at that kind of stuff.
Well, I guess I should sign off now. I love you Daddy and miss you terribly!
Love,
Jan – Your baby girl forever
Well, this weekend we had James’ 4th birthday party. It was a gorgeous day! We had everyone over to the house and the jumpers out. He had a Star Wars party. You would have loved it. He got lots of light sabers (or as he calls it “life savers”). I just can’t believe he is already turning 4. Life goes by so quick, just seems like yesterday he was a tiny infant.
Dana and the girls were there with Storm. You would love him. He is so good to the girls and to Dana. He just adores them. I’m pretty sure they will marry. Dana seems really happy. Whitney is giving her fits, but she hasn’t been the same since the divorce and your passing. The girls haven’t seen their father in almost 2 years now. I tend to think that is a good thing. But, the effects of not having a strong father figure in their life is starting to show. I worry about them. You know I would do anything for them. So if you could, please watch over them when we can’t. Be that little voice in Whitney’s ear to keep her from doing wrong. Dana is struggling a little with her relationship with Storm. She needs you to tell her to let go and love again. She is so scared of being hurt, that it has become easy for her to make excuses and be alone. I want to see all of them happy again. The girls need a father so badly; they need that affirmation and love. I was so lucky to have you as a Daddy! Please, let Storm be that person for them.
I had a sleepover with some girls from the school Saturday night. It was so much fun feeling like a kid again. Sunday we got up and three of them went to church with me. The sermon was amazing! Pastor Rod was talking to us about Watching out for our children. It was more about the responsibilities we have to each generation. I was sitting in that service and thinking about whether or not I am a good leader. I hope that I can be half the leader you were. He was talking about how when we are older it isn’t about accomplishments anymore, but more about the legacy we will leave behind. You left a wonderful legacy of Faith and commitment. I admire all that you accomplished in your life, but more than that I admire your commitment to God and your Family. You never once let me down. Not sure how many kids can say that about their parents. I knew I could always count on you for anything. You supported me, you encouraged me, but most of all you loved me. I still remember you waking us up in the early mornings and us having prayer together as a family. Dana and I mostly slept, but I could still here you praying for us. Asking God to watch over us and guide our lives. Thank you for that legacy. I hope that I can be as good a role model not only to those girls, but also to my kids.
Well, in the next couple of weeks I will be looking for a job at the hospital. I miss working in the hospital. It was so rewarding. Getting to know the patients and their families. I just love it. I am going to work part-time so that I can get insurance and then still work at the school one day a week. Then one day I will be with the babies and one day will be for scrap booking with mom.
Hopefully, we will be able to get a new car after I start working there. Jamie’s Infinity finally died and the Mountaineer is on its last leg. Gas prices are outrageous, and I wish we could get something smaller but if we ever decide to have another baby we would need a bigger car. So, guess I’m just going to have to endure the gas prices. Sure wish I could get your advice on what to get. You were always good at that kind of stuff.
Well, I guess I should sign off now. I love you Daddy and miss you terribly!
Love,
Jan – Your baby girl forever
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Learned a Lesson on Sleep
Dear Daddy,
Jamie and I learned a valuable lesson on sleep last night. James was supposed to have game last night, but man was he a crank pot. We thought for sure he was feeling bad. So we took him home. Turns out he was just super sleepy! Got them both in bed by 9.
Jamie has gotten James hooked on Star Wars! Now all he wants to play is "Darth Vader". He and Thomas run through the house with their swords and fight all the bad guys. His birthday is next week. He turns 4, man how time flies. I catch myself asking him to stay little just like you used to ask me. We are having a Star Wars birthday party for him saturday at the house. Sure wish you were here. I will probably say that in every letter. But I can't help it.
Here are some of the funny things they have said:
James - Cookies were always called "Tookies"
When he wanted something he would say "Let's have it"
He called the camera "pinners" for pictures
Thomas - When something makes him laugh he says "That made me funny"
When he is missing me and cries for me he will tell me "Mommy, I was sad about you"
He calls the four wheeler the "feel wheeler"
As I remember them I will try to tell you some of the funny things they have said. I love you Daddy and I miss you more than ever.
Love,
Jan - Baby girl forever!
Jamie and I learned a valuable lesson on sleep last night. James was supposed to have game last night, but man was he a crank pot. We thought for sure he was feeling bad. So we took him home. Turns out he was just super sleepy! Got them both in bed by 9.
Jamie has gotten James hooked on Star Wars! Now all he wants to play is "Darth Vader". He and Thomas run through the house with their swords and fight all the bad guys. His birthday is next week. He turns 4, man how time flies. I catch myself asking him to stay little just like you used to ask me. We are having a Star Wars birthday party for him saturday at the house. Sure wish you were here. I will probably say that in every letter. But I can't help it.
Here are some of the funny things they have said:
James - Cookies were always called "Tookies"
When he wanted something he would say "Let's have it"
He called the camera "pinners" for pictures
Thomas - When something makes him laugh he says "That made me funny"
When he is missing me and cries for me he will tell me "Mommy, I was sad about you"
He calls the four wheeler the "feel wheeler"
As I remember them I will try to tell you some of the funny things they have said. I love you Daddy and I miss you more than ever.
Love,
Jan - Baby girl forever!
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Dear Daddy - Catching Up
Dear Daddy,
A lot has happened in the 6 years that you have been gone. I have two boys now. But then again you already knew about them, because you told me about them in a dream long before we ever thought about having kids. Daddy, you would love them to pieces. They are the light of my life. I never knew being a Mom could be so fun and tiring all at the same time.
My pregnancy with James was easy! I enjoyed every minute of it. I worked until two weeks before he was born. I remember the day we found out it was a boy. I was so excited to tell everyone. I wanted to call you so badly. I knew you would be so thrilled. You probably would have gone out that day and bought him a rod and reel. The delivery was a breeze. Everyone was there. I knew you were there in spirit. I had this picture of what you would look like holding him. The smile on your face while you looked at him. He was and still is a sweet baby! Everyone said he looked like a Stewart, but as he is getting older he is starting to look a lot like you. His face is shaped like yours and he is tall and skinny. Of course the only thing he will eat is spaghetti and meatballs, chicken nuggets, cheeseburgers (with no pickles or onions), or pizza. He is very picky about his food. He has the sweetest laugh. He loves to tell stories. He is so loving. He will be doing something and just say, “Mommy, I love you.” It will melt your heart.
Six months after James was born, Jamie convinced me that we should have another. I know – CRAZY! My pregnancy with Thomas wasn’t so easy. I was sick quite a bit with him. Of course, I was a lot more tired because I was chasing James around. I had several blow ups towards the end because I was so terrified. We had only been in Cincinnati for less than a year and I felt so lonely without family or friends. Jamie was working all the time and it was hard. The delivery wasn’t as easy as the first time. His heart rate kept dropping and my blood pressure went pretty low. They had oxygen on me and I really don’t remember much more. I was pretty scared. He was a pretty easy baby. So sweet and loved to snuggle! The day we were released from the hospital was pretty comical! The keys got locked in the van that the Stewart’s were driving. James was crying like crazy. (He had an ear infection.) The boys worked on getting the van unlocked. I told them at the beginning that security would have something to get the door open, but of course they didn’t listen. About 20 minutes later Sharon got security and within minutes it was unlocked.
My days were pretty much the same. I slept whenever they slept. We watched “The Wiggles” pretty much all day long. James soon learned that when I was feeding Thomas he could do whatever he wanted and there wasn’t anything I could do. One day he had a bag of chips and decided to pour the whole bag out and dance on them. Then when I told him to try and clean them up, he got his little play vacuum and tried to clean them up. Jamie was working a lot then. He would leave pretty early and get home pretty late. He wasn’t enjoying his job as much as he did when we were in Nashville. We had a nice house; we way overbought for our budget. You live and learn right?
The most terrifying thing that happened while we were there was when James got bad sick. He was around 14mths old. He woke up with a terrible fever – 105.0. I was so scared; he had never had a fever that high. I got him an appointment with the doctor and I was able to get his fever down by giving him a bath. When we were at the doctor they told me his temperature was normal. When we got home 30 minutes later he was laying in Jamie’s lap and just didn’t look right. He got very gray looking, his lips turned blue, he wouldn’t answer us. I immediately called 911 and as I was on the phone with them he started having a seizure. His temp was up again. They carried his little limp body to the ambulance and a sweet neighbor came over and kept Thomas for us. I was so scared and just praying the whole way to the hospital. All I could think about was when Papaw had his seizure that killed him and then wondering if James would ever come back to us. When we arrived at the hospital he was talking a little. I was holding him in the room and while I was answering a question he started into another seizure. As a mother I don’t know when I have ever been so scared in all my life. I was praying and worrying all at the same time. I knew God was taking care of him, but I just couldn’t keep my mind from wandering. They eventually got his fever down and he has never had another one.
We lived in Cincinnati for about a year and a half, until Pop got sick. That is when Jamie had decided he had had enough of work and stress. We moved back home with no plan and a home that wouldn’t sell. We moved in with Sharon and Bubba. I struggled a lot that year. I battled depression and stayed frustrated most of the time. I went to work at the school as their School Nurse. It was just mainly to help out as best I could with our finances and still be there for the boys. Over Christmas break I got a call from our realtor that the house had completely flooded. Long story short, a pipe burst and the insurance company refused to fix it. What a blow! I sure needed you during this time. I needed my Daddy to tell me what to do and how to handle the situation. A year later, we had to file bankruptcy and they have finally foreclosed on the house. It will go to Auction in May. Just a run of bad luck!
Life is better now. We moved out into an older home in August. The boys are so happy. I just about have it fixed up. Just have the two bathrooms to work on now. Mom came over the other day and helped me get a few flowerbeds done. It’s just nice to have my own place. Don’t get me wrong I am so thankful that Bubba and Sharon gave us a place to live, but it’s nice to be back on our feet again. I am going back to work part-time at the hospital. Jamie is working at the school. He has changed so much this past year. He isn’t so cynical towards church anymore. He has become more family oriented. He’s just become a better person. I got help with my depression. I am on medication and I feel so much better now.
Mom and I have been spending Thursday’s together. We have been scrap booking and just enjoying being together. She is remarried. Feels strange telling you that. But, I know you would approve. Tommy is really sweet and he loves her so much. He has been wonderful for her. He lost his wife to cancer a month after you passed. He cares for Dana and I so much and just treats us all so wonderful. He has a daughter that is my age and she is really sweet. It’s just all so strange, feels like this should be happening to other people.
Well, I think that catches us up. I will continually update you on the boys and my life. I miss you Daddy.
I love you,
Jan “Baby girl”
A lot has happened in the 6 years that you have been gone. I have two boys now. But then again you already knew about them, because you told me about them in a dream long before we ever thought about having kids. Daddy, you would love them to pieces. They are the light of my life. I never knew being a Mom could be so fun and tiring all at the same time.
My pregnancy with James was easy! I enjoyed every minute of it. I worked until two weeks before he was born. I remember the day we found out it was a boy. I was so excited to tell everyone. I wanted to call you so badly. I knew you would be so thrilled. You probably would have gone out that day and bought him a rod and reel. The delivery was a breeze. Everyone was there. I knew you were there in spirit. I had this picture of what you would look like holding him. The smile on your face while you looked at him. He was and still is a sweet baby! Everyone said he looked like a Stewart, but as he is getting older he is starting to look a lot like you. His face is shaped like yours and he is tall and skinny. Of course the only thing he will eat is spaghetti and meatballs, chicken nuggets, cheeseburgers (with no pickles or onions), or pizza. He is very picky about his food. He has the sweetest laugh. He loves to tell stories. He is so loving. He will be doing something and just say, “Mommy, I love you.” It will melt your heart.
Six months after James was born, Jamie convinced me that we should have another. I know – CRAZY! My pregnancy with Thomas wasn’t so easy. I was sick quite a bit with him. Of course, I was a lot more tired because I was chasing James around. I had several blow ups towards the end because I was so terrified. We had only been in Cincinnati for less than a year and I felt so lonely without family or friends. Jamie was working all the time and it was hard. The delivery wasn’t as easy as the first time. His heart rate kept dropping and my blood pressure went pretty low. They had oxygen on me and I really don’t remember much more. I was pretty scared. He was a pretty easy baby. So sweet and loved to snuggle! The day we were released from the hospital was pretty comical! The keys got locked in the van that the Stewart’s were driving. James was crying like crazy. (He had an ear infection.) The boys worked on getting the van unlocked. I told them at the beginning that security would have something to get the door open, but of course they didn’t listen. About 20 minutes later Sharon got security and within minutes it was unlocked.
My days were pretty much the same. I slept whenever they slept. We watched “The Wiggles” pretty much all day long. James soon learned that when I was feeding Thomas he could do whatever he wanted and there wasn’t anything I could do. One day he had a bag of chips and decided to pour the whole bag out and dance on them. Then when I told him to try and clean them up, he got his little play vacuum and tried to clean them up. Jamie was working a lot then. He would leave pretty early and get home pretty late. He wasn’t enjoying his job as much as he did when we were in Nashville. We had a nice house; we way overbought for our budget. You live and learn right?
The most terrifying thing that happened while we were there was when James got bad sick. He was around 14mths old. He woke up with a terrible fever – 105.0. I was so scared; he had never had a fever that high. I got him an appointment with the doctor and I was able to get his fever down by giving him a bath. When we were at the doctor they told me his temperature was normal. When we got home 30 minutes later he was laying in Jamie’s lap and just didn’t look right. He got very gray looking, his lips turned blue, he wouldn’t answer us. I immediately called 911 and as I was on the phone with them he started having a seizure. His temp was up again. They carried his little limp body to the ambulance and a sweet neighbor came over and kept Thomas for us. I was so scared and just praying the whole way to the hospital. All I could think about was when Papaw had his seizure that killed him and then wondering if James would ever come back to us. When we arrived at the hospital he was talking a little. I was holding him in the room and while I was answering a question he started into another seizure. As a mother I don’t know when I have ever been so scared in all my life. I was praying and worrying all at the same time. I knew God was taking care of him, but I just couldn’t keep my mind from wandering. They eventually got his fever down and he has never had another one.
We lived in Cincinnati for about a year and a half, until Pop got sick. That is when Jamie had decided he had had enough of work and stress. We moved back home with no plan and a home that wouldn’t sell. We moved in with Sharon and Bubba. I struggled a lot that year. I battled depression and stayed frustrated most of the time. I went to work at the school as their School Nurse. It was just mainly to help out as best I could with our finances and still be there for the boys. Over Christmas break I got a call from our realtor that the house had completely flooded. Long story short, a pipe burst and the insurance company refused to fix it. What a blow! I sure needed you during this time. I needed my Daddy to tell me what to do and how to handle the situation. A year later, we had to file bankruptcy and they have finally foreclosed on the house. It will go to Auction in May. Just a run of bad luck!
Life is better now. We moved out into an older home in August. The boys are so happy. I just about have it fixed up. Just have the two bathrooms to work on now. Mom came over the other day and helped me get a few flowerbeds done. It’s just nice to have my own place. Don’t get me wrong I am so thankful that Bubba and Sharon gave us a place to live, but it’s nice to be back on our feet again. I am going back to work part-time at the hospital. Jamie is working at the school. He has changed so much this past year. He isn’t so cynical towards church anymore. He has become more family oriented. He’s just become a better person. I got help with my depression. I am on medication and I feel so much better now.
Mom and I have been spending Thursday’s together. We have been scrap booking and just enjoying being together. She is remarried. Feels strange telling you that. But, I know you would approve. Tommy is really sweet and he loves her so much. He has been wonderful for her. He lost his wife to cancer a month after you passed. He cares for Dana and I so much and just treats us all so wonderful. He has a daughter that is my age and she is really sweet. It’s just all so strange, feels like this should be happening to other people.
Well, I think that catches us up. I will continually update you on the boys and my life. I miss you Daddy.
I love you,
Jan “Baby girl”
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Dear Daddy Letter
April 22, 2008
Dear Daddy,
It will be 6 years next month since you passed away, but it still feels like yesterday. Life just hasn’t been the same without you here. There are so many things I wanted to talk to you about and couldn’t. I still remember sitting there with you in the living room, it was just the two of us and we were listening to music. I had finally gotten up enough courage to talk to you and tell you things that were on my mind, but when I opened my mouth I got choked up and couldn’t speak and I could feel the tears coming so instead I just sat there and looked at you. I’m sorry, I should have just talked to you but I was trying to be so strong and brave.
I love you! You were a wonderful Father. I’m sorry you had to suffer for so long. I wish I could have eased your pain. I wish that I could have prayed with you more, I was just so afraid of coming across weak and scared. (Because I was weak and scared.) I knew what was happening to you physically, but I just didn’t want to accept it. I kept telling myself that God wasn’t going to allow you to leave us and I just figured I had more time.
I miss your hugs the most! I miss the way you would tilt your head to the side, give me that half grin and say “You’re so pretty”. I miss hearing you say “I love you”. I miss your stupid jokes that would make me laugh so hard I would snort. I just miss the everyday stuff. I so enjoyed being with you. I liked the fact that you were proud of me. I never wanted to disappoint you. I remember after I got married, when you would see me at church your face would light up with a big smile and you would wave and mouth I love you. Man, that one small thing just made my day. I loved hearing you pray. Your prayers were always so sincere and so full of passion. I envy your faith! No matter what the circumstance, your faith never wavered.
I remember the last time you were in the hospital, it was when you were having the IV Chemo directly into the liver. You had to lay still and flat on your back. I knew you were miserable, and someone had sent a basket of goodies. You told me to look through it and see if there was anything fun to do. There was a game in it, to this day I can’t even remember what the game was, but we laughed and just enjoyed being together. After we finished the game, you asked me to read the Bible to you. I did and I have to say that was one of the most special times I spent with you. It was just the two of us and there was no fear, no tension, no worry; it was just us enjoying the moment together.
I have to say, I feel so bad for girls who don’t have a Dad who loves them or wants to be with them. It is so true that girls get their self-esteem and self-worth from their Daddies. They learn how a man should treat them by how their Dad treats their Mother. You get an A+++. I always felt so loved by you. I never once questioned how you felt about me. You always let me know how proud you were of me, and how special I was to you. I know that Mom feels the same way. You were so good to all of us. You always took care of us and even after your death you made sure that Mom was well provided for. Thank you!
Life is definitely different without you here. It will never be the same. I will always have this longing in my heart for you. So, even though I know you won’t be able to read these letters, it will still make me feel as though you are here. I just want to be able to share the everyday things with you. I love you Daddy and I will always be your “Baby girl”.
I love you forever,
Jan
Dear Daddy,
It will be 6 years next month since you passed away, but it still feels like yesterday. Life just hasn’t been the same without you here. There are so many things I wanted to talk to you about and couldn’t. I still remember sitting there with you in the living room, it was just the two of us and we were listening to music. I had finally gotten up enough courage to talk to you and tell you things that were on my mind, but when I opened my mouth I got choked up and couldn’t speak and I could feel the tears coming so instead I just sat there and looked at you. I’m sorry, I should have just talked to you but I was trying to be so strong and brave.
I love you! You were a wonderful Father. I’m sorry you had to suffer for so long. I wish I could have eased your pain. I wish that I could have prayed with you more, I was just so afraid of coming across weak and scared. (Because I was weak and scared.) I knew what was happening to you physically, but I just didn’t want to accept it. I kept telling myself that God wasn’t going to allow you to leave us and I just figured I had more time.
I miss your hugs the most! I miss the way you would tilt your head to the side, give me that half grin and say “You’re so pretty”. I miss hearing you say “I love you”. I miss your stupid jokes that would make me laugh so hard I would snort. I just miss the everyday stuff. I so enjoyed being with you. I liked the fact that you were proud of me. I never wanted to disappoint you. I remember after I got married, when you would see me at church your face would light up with a big smile and you would wave and mouth I love you. Man, that one small thing just made my day. I loved hearing you pray. Your prayers were always so sincere and so full of passion. I envy your faith! No matter what the circumstance, your faith never wavered.
I remember the last time you were in the hospital, it was when you were having the IV Chemo directly into the liver. You had to lay still and flat on your back. I knew you were miserable, and someone had sent a basket of goodies. You told me to look through it and see if there was anything fun to do. There was a game in it, to this day I can’t even remember what the game was, but we laughed and just enjoyed being together. After we finished the game, you asked me to read the Bible to you. I did and I have to say that was one of the most special times I spent with you. It was just the two of us and there was no fear, no tension, no worry; it was just us enjoying the moment together.
I have to say, I feel so bad for girls who don’t have a Dad who loves them or wants to be with them. It is so true that girls get their self-esteem and self-worth from their Daddies. They learn how a man should treat them by how their Dad treats their Mother. You get an A+++. I always felt so loved by you. I never once questioned how you felt about me. You always let me know how proud you were of me, and how special I was to you. I know that Mom feels the same way. You were so good to all of us. You always took care of us and even after your death you made sure that Mom was well provided for. Thank you!
Life is definitely different without you here. It will never be the same. I will always have this longing in my heart for you. So, even though I know you won’t be able to read these letters, it will still make me feel as though you are here. I just want to be able to share the everyday things with you. I love you Daddy and I will always be your “Baby girl”.
I love you forever,
Jan
Monday, March 31, 2008
Dear Daddy Blog
Okay, I have decided to join the blogging world. I lost my Daddy to cancer 6 years ago this May. Hard to believe that it has even been that long ago. I decided a few days ago that I think the best thing that would help me, is to start a Dear Daddy Diary. It may seem silly to others, but for me to put down on paper (so to speak) things that are going on in my life and things that I want so desparately to talk to him about would be like therapy for me.
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