Dear Daddy,
Sorry it's been so long since I last wrote. Life has just been moving on. I'm having a hard time picutring you lately. How is it that after time you can stop seeing someon in your head that you loved so deeply? If I imagine you laughing, I can hear and see you so clearly. That bright smile that took up your whole face and that laugh that was so infectious. I miss you so much, you just don't know. I woke up this morning and couldn't go back to sleep and started thinking about you. It's just not fair! I hate that all my boys know of you is that you were my Daddy and you live in heaven. How do you answer a sad 3 year old when he says "Why couldn't Grandfather stay here with us?" I'm sorry I don't mean to be such a downer, just one of those mornings.
I still love my job. I guess that's what makes me think about all of this. I see so many patients and their families going through the same thing. Life just doesn't prepare you for this kind of loss. You never get over it, you just learn to live with the ups and downs. Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries - all of them are never the same. This year mom and Tommy decided that they needed to start new traditions and start going away for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I understand why, it's hard for them too. But man did it ever hurt. I felt like I was being punished for you leaving. Don't get me wrong, I know that things can't always stay the same and after their losses they just can't go back to doing things the way the always did. It was just a sad Christmas. I enjoy being with Jamie's family - but I miss the time with mine. Things will never be as they were and over time I will get better with it.
Did I tell you that Dana got married. He is wonderful. You would absolutely love him. He adores Dana and just dotes on the girls. I'm so thankful God sent him their way. The day they got married the girls instantly started calling him Daddy. I love it. They have waited so long for someone to love them like a Father does and they finally got it. Dana is so happy. I never thought I would see the day that she would be this happy.
Jamie and I just celebrated 13 years. Can you believe it? I still remember you walking me down the isle. I remember standing outside the doors and you asked me "Are you sure you really want to do this? Cause if you want to just stay with Dad I will walk down there and call it off and no one will be upset." I remember looking at you and telling you I was sure and I was ready. What did I know? I was 21 - still a baby trying to finish college. But you know what we've made it 13 years. We've definitely had our share of struggles but I love him more today then I did back then.
The boys, well they are the light of our lives. They are so loving and constantly come up and hug and kiss us and tell us how much they love us. The other night Thomas told Jamie "Daddy we need to talk about how we can make me a lil bother or sister." Jamie "um well do you want a baby brother or sister?" Thomas "yep, what if tomorrow night we build him out of wood and glue!" Now that's my kind of birds and bees talk! James is learning to read - he's four and learning to read. I can't believe my baby will be in Kindergarten next year. Time really does fly. How is that - how can time fly in areas of your life and just stand still in other areas?
Well, I need to get ready for work. I love you Daddy! You were one of my best educators in life and love. I promise to start this back up. I needed it today! I love you and miss you so much.
Love,
Jan - Your Babygirl forever!
Friday, January 16, 2009
Monday, October 6, 2008
It's been a while
Dear Daddy,
I know, it's been a while. A lot has happened since I last wrote. I got the job on 10A at Baptist. I've been there for 8weeks now. I love it! I wasn't sure how I would handle working on the Cancer floor, but after everything I went through with you it really isn't that bad. I have my moments of sadness, and my moments where I hurt terribly for these patients; but then that one time I bring a smile to a hurting patient's face because of some silly story about the boys or just joking around with them then I realize why I'm there. It truly is for selfish reasons - I feel needed. I am their escape from reality.
I lost my first patient last week. He was precious. I'm sure you have met him by now. He reminded me so much of Papaw. He and his family were so sweet. The week before he died I went to visit him on my day off. He was looking so weak and he told me he was getting so tired. It's hard not to break down right there in front of them when you see how hard they fight and just get so tired of fighting. He and his wife had been married for 57 years, he was fighting just for her. He would continue on if that was what she wanted. How incredible that is. To love someone soooo much that you would go through hell on earth for them. I know that you and mom had that. I can only hope that mine and Jamie's relationship is like that. I know that I would do anything for him. I just think we get so caught up in the day to day living that we forget we have to work on us. Anyway, I got sidetracked. I did go to his funeral. Just felt like I should.
Each day is so different on that floor. Some days are just hard and some days I leave there feeling like I did something that made a difference in their life. Man do I miss you. I have been dreaming about you a lot lately. They aren't bad dreams, most of them I don't remember except that you were in them. Guess I just am thinking a lot about you.
Okay, funny stories:
James -
His latest saying is when you are doing something that is making him laugh, he says "stop doing that, you're cracking me out!"
Jamie was saying our nightly prayers and when he said amen, James said "daddy are you finished?" Jamie - "yes" James - "good, can we go to sleep now." (a lot like his mommy huh?)
Oh, James made student of the week. He got to bring Monkey George home for the weekend and we took all kinds of pics. Had to make scrapbook pages of their weekend and a poster board all about James. So, he gets to sleep on the loft in his classroom all week at naptime. I will get pics and post them.
Thomas -
Well, we went to Kroger the other day and I had a buggy full of groceries. The boys had been wanting candy, of course they want everything they see. Anyway, we got out to the car and Thomas said "mommy, I have gum under my leg" Well of course I thought he sat in gum. Then he whips out a package of gum that he was hiding. I marched him back into the store and made him tell the policeman what he had done. The policeman was no help, he laughed and said why thank you little man. Thanks a lot!!!
I know there are more stories, but I am so sleepy right now that I can't think of them. I have to get up early for work tomorrow. I love you daddy. Thank you for all you and mom did to raise me the way that I am .
Love,
Jan Your Baby girl forever!
I know, it's been a while. A lot has happened since I last wrote. I got the job on 10A at Baptist. I've been there for 8weeks now. I love it! I wasn't sure how I would handle working on the Cancer floor, but after everything I went through with you it really isn't that bad. I have my moments of sadness, and my moments where I hurt terribly for these patients; but then that one time I bring a smile to a hurting patient's face because of some silly story about the boys or just joking around with them then I realize why I'm there. It truly is for selfish reasons - I feel needed. I am their escape from reality.
I lost my first patient last week. He was precious. I'm sure you have met him by now. He reminded me so much of Papaw. He and his family were so sweet. The week before he died I went to visit him on my day off. He was looking so weak and he told me he was getting so tired. It's hard not to break down right there in front of them when you see how hard they fight and just get so tired of fighting. He and his wife had been married for 57 years, he was fighting just for her. He would continue on if that was what she wanted. How incredible that is. To love someone soooo much that you would go through hell on earth for them. I know that you and mom had that. I can only hope that mine and Jamie's relationship is like that. I know that I would do anything for him. I just think we get so caught up in the day to day living that we forget we have to work on us. Anyway, I got sidetracked. I did go to his funeral. Just felt like I should.
Each day is so different on that floor. Some days are just hard and some days I leave there feeling like I did something that made a difference in their life. Man do I miss you. I have been dreaming about you a lot lately. They aren't bad dreams, most of them I don't remember except that you were in them. Guess I just am thinking a lot about you.
Okay, funny stories:
James -
His latest saying is when you are doing something that is making him laugh, he says "stop doing that, you're cracking me out!"
Jamie was saying our nightly prayers and when he said amen, James said "daddy are you finished?" Jamie - "yes" James - "good, can we go to sleep now." (a lot like his mommy huh?)
Oh, James made student of the week. He got to bring Monkey George home for the weekend and we took all kinds of pics. Had to make scrapbook pages of their weekend and a poster board all about James. So, he gets to sleep on the loft in his classroom all week at naptime. I will get pics and post them.
Thomas -
Well, we went to Kroger the other day and I had a buggy full of groceries. The boys had been wanting candy, of course they want everything they see. Anyway, we got out to the car and Thomas said "mommy, I have gum under my leg" Well of course I thought he sat in gum. Then he whips out a package of gum that he was hiding. I marched him back into the store and made him tell the policeman what he had done. The policeman was no help, he laughed and said why thank you little man. Thanks a lot!!!
I know there are more stories, but I am so sleepy right now that I can't think of them. I have to get up early for work tomorrow. I love you daddy. Thank you for all you and mom did to raise me the way that I am .
Love,
Jan Your Baby girl forever!
Saturday, July 19, 2008
The RN
I got the job. I am the new oncology nurse at Baptist. I'm very excited. It just feels like the place I need to be. I know that there are going to be times when it is hard, and I'm going to feel like I am going through your illness all over again; but I just feel drawn to do this. I know what these families are going through and they need all the support they can get. I also know that you will help me when it gets tough.
Mom was so excited, that I met her in Conway yesterday afternoon and she bought me a bunch of scrubs. It's going to be nice to not have to worry about what to wear again. I just can't wait to get back to the hospital. I really missed it.
On another note: Thomas is going through the terrible, awful, end of the two's! YIKES! He has just been a little demon the last few days. I'm afraid he's gonna have bruises from all the spankings he has been getting. Hopefully this stage will pass soon. James is doing much better at school. He isn't crying as much. They are both just momma's boys. I love at night when they want to snuggle with me to go to sleep.
Well, I have to go work at the school. I love you and miss you a bunch.
Babygirl forever - Jan
Mom was so excited, that I met her in Conway yesterday afternoon and she bought me a bunch of scrubs. It's going to be nice to not have to worry about what to wear again. I just can't wait to get back to the hospital. I really missed it.
On another note: Thomas is going through the terrible, awful, end of the two's! YIKES! He has just been a little demon the last few days. I'm afraid he's gonna have bruises from all the spankings he has been getting. Hopefully this stage will pass soon. James is doing much better at school. He isn't crying as much. They are both just momma's boys. I love at night when they want to snuggle with me to go to sleep.
Well, I have to go work at the school. I love you and miss you a bunch.
Babygirl forever - Jan
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Parenthood - Why again did I agree to this?
Dear Daddy,
Well, if all goes well tomorrow I might have a job. I have interviewed twice now for a position on the oncology unit at Baptist. I feel really good about it. I know this is where I need to be. I can relate to what each family is going through. So, we will see.
So tonight after I mowed the yard I decided to load the boys up and go to Wal-Mart. Now I know why mom never took us shopping. They are getting so big that I can't put them in the buggy. (Just a side note: Why is it Sam's has the buggy with the two seater in the front, but Wal-Mart doesn't have them yet?) Well, I told the boys they had to hang on to the sides. Yeah, right. That worked for the first two isles. Then it was a total free for all after that. Running into each other, dragging each other on the floor, punching, hitting, kicking, etc. We looked like a bunch of white trash. Both boys had dirt all over their faces and clothes from playing outside. I had on a tank and shorts and looked a mess from mowing. They were nuts!!! When we finally got to one of the 5 checkouts that were open, (Another side note: Why have 28 checkout lanes when you are only going to have 5 open at all times.) anyway this is when all hell broke loose. James was hiding under the clothes racks and Thomas took off. I put James in the buggy and asked a total stranger to watch him while I chased Thomas down. Luckily a very nice couple noticed what was happening and the lady chased him down. I was panicked I just knew I was going to have to call a Code Adam. When I got back to the buggy, James was sitting there wide-eyed and knew he was in for it. Thomas on the other hand was sitting on the floor laughing and thought he was something else. That would be when I picked them both up, thanked the ladies that helped me and took them to the car; at which point they got a spanking with the pants down. On the way home I informed them both "When we get home you go straight to the bathroom, take off all your clothes and wait for me. You are both going to get another spanking, get a bath, get your pj's on and going straight to bed." At that point James said "Hey Mommy, do I need another spanking cause I didn't run off I stayed in the buggy and waited for you and Thomas." Well, he had a point there. When we got home, Thomas got another spanking for running off and they got a bath. Now they are both in bed where they will stay!!! I need a Valium! Please tell me it gets better.
Well, I need to go get cleaned up. Maybe a nice hot shower will help me. I love you Daddy and miss you so much!
Your baby girl forever - Jan
Well, if all goes well tomorrow I might have a job. I have interviewed twice now for a position on the oncology unit at Baptist. I feel really good about it. I know this is where I need to be. I can relate to what each family is going through. So, we will see.
So tonight after I mowed the yard I decided to load the boys up and go to Wal-Mart. Now I know why mom never took us shopping. They are getting so big that I can't put them in the buggy. (Just a side note: Why is it Sam's has the buggy with the two seater in the front, but Wal-Mart doesn't have them yet?) Well, I told the boys they had to hang on to the sides. Yeah, right. That worked for the first two isles. Then it was a total free for all after that. Running into each other, dragging each other on the floor, punching, hitting, kicking, etc. We looked like a bunch of white trash. Both boys had dirt all over their faces and clothes from playing outside. I had on a tank and shorts and looked a mess from mowing. They were nuts!!! When we finally got to one of the 5 checkouts that were open, (Another side note: Why have 28 checkout lanes when you are only going to have 5 open at all times.) anyway this is when all hell broke loose. James was hiding under the clothes racks and Thomas took off. I put James in the buggy and asked a total stranger to watch him while I chased Thomas down. Luckily a very nice couple noticed what was happening and the lady chased him down. I was panicked I just knew I was going to have to call a Code Adam. When I got back to the buggy, James was sitting there wide-eyed and knew he was in for it. Thomas on the other hand was sitting on the floor laughing and thought he was something else. That would be when I picked them both up, thanked the ladies that helped me and took them to the car; at which point they got a spanking with the pants down. On the way home I informed them both "When we get home you go straight to the bathroom, take off all your clothes and wait for me. You are both going to get another spanking, get a bath, get your pj's on and going straight to bed." At that point James said "Hey Mommy, do I need another spanking cause I didn't run off I stayed in the buggy and waited for you and Thomas." Well, he had a point there. When we got home, Thomas got another spanking for running off and they got a bath. Now they are both in bed where they will stay!!! I need a Valium! Please tell me it gets better.
Well, I need to go get cleaned up. Maybe a nice hot shower will help me. I love you Daddy and miss you so much!
Your baby girl forever - Jan
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