Dear Daddy,
Jamie and I learned a valuable lesson on sleep last night. James was supposed to have game last night, but man was he a crank pot. We thought for sure he was feeling bad. So we took him home. Turns out he was just super sleepy! Got them both in bed by 9.
Jamie has gotten James hooked on Star Wars! Now all he wants to play is "Darth Vader". He and Thomas run through the house with their swords and fight all the bad guys. His birthday is next week. He turns 4, man how time flies. I catch myself asking him to stay little just like you used to ask me. We are having a Star Wars birthday party for him saturday at the house. Sure wish you were here. I will probably say that in every letter. But I can't help it.
Here are some of the funny things they have said:
James - Cookies were always called "Tookies"
When he wanted something he would say "Let's have it"
He called the camera "pinners" for pictures
Thomas - When something makes him laugh he says "That made me funny"
When he is missing me and cries for me he will tell me "Mommy, I was sad about you"
He calls the four wheeler the "feel wheeler"
As I remember them I will try to tell you some of the funny things they have said. I love you Daddy and I miss you more than ever.
Love,
Jan - Baby girl forever!
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Dear Daddy - Catching Up
Dear Daddy,
A lot has happened in the 6 years that you have been gone. I have two boys now. But then again you already knew about them, because you told me about them in a dream long before we ever thought about having kids. Daddy, you would love them to pieces. They are the light of my life. I never knew being a Mom could be so fun and tiring all at the same time.
My pregnancy with James was easy! I enjoyed every minute of it. I worked until two weeks before he was born. I remember the day we found out it was a boy. I was so excited to tell everyone. I wanted to call you so badly. I knew you would be so thrilled. You probably would have gone out that day and bought him a rod and reel. The delivery was a breeze. Everyone was there. I knew you were there in spirit. I had this picture of what you would look like holding him. The smile on your face while you looked at him. He was and still is a sweet baby! Everyone said he looked like a Stewart, but as he is getting older he is starting to look a lot like you. His face is shaped like yours and he is tall and skinny. Of course the only thing he will eat is spaghetti and meatballs, chicken nuggets, cheeseburgers (with no pickles or onions), or pizza. He is very picky about his food. He has the sweetest laugh. He loves to tell stories. He is so loving. He will be doing something and just say, “Mommy, I love you.” It will melt your heart.
Six months after James was born, Jamie convinced me that we should have another. I know – CRAZY! My pregnancy with Thomas wasn’t so easy. I was sick quite a bit with him. Of course, I was a lot more tired because I was chasing James around. I had several blow ups towards the end because I was so terrified. We had only been in Cincinnati for less than a year and I felt so lonely without family or friends. Jamie was working all the time and it was hard. The delivery wasn’t as easy as the first time. His heart rate kept dropping and my blood pressure went pretty low. They had oxygen on me and I really don’t remember much more. I was pretty scared. He was a pretty easy baby. So sweet and loved to snuggle! The day we were released from the hospital was pretty comical! The keys got locked in the van that the Stewart’s were driving. James was crying like crazy. (He had an ear infection.) The boys worked on getting the van unlocked. I told them at the beginning that security would have something to get the door open, but of course they didn’t listen. About 20 minutes later Sharon got security and within minutes it was unlocked.
My days were pretty much the same. I slept whenever they slept. We watched “The Wiggles” pretty much all day long. James soon learned that when I was feeding Thomas he could do whatever he wanted and there wasn’t anything I could do. One day he had a bag of chips and decided to pour the whole bag out and dance on them. Then when I told him to try and clean them up, he got his little play vacuum and tried to clean them up. Jamie was working a lot then. He would leave pretty early and get home pretty late. He wasn’t enjoying his job as much as he did when we were in Nashville. We had a nice house; we way overbought for our budget. You live and learn right?
The most terrifying thing that happened while we were there was when James got bad sick. He was around 14mths old. He woke up with a terrible fever – 105.0. I was so scared; he had never had a fever that high. I got him an appointment with the doctor and I was able to get his fever down by giving him a bath. When we were at the doctor they told me his temperature was normal. When we got home 30 minutes later he was laying in Jamie’s lap and just didn’t look right. He got very gray looking, his lips turned blue, he wouldn’t answer us. I immediately called 911 and as I was on the phone with them he started having a seizure. His temp was up again. They carried his little limp body to the ambulance and a sweet neighbor came over and kept Thomas for us. I was so scared and just praying the whole way to the hospital. All I could think about was when Papaw had his seizure that killed him and then wondering if James would ever come back to us. When we arrived at the hospital he was talking a little. I was holding him in the room and while I was answering a question he started into another seizure. As a mother I don’t know when I have ever been so scared in all my life. I was praying and worrying all at the same time. I knew God was taking care of him, but I just couldn’t keep my mind from wandering. They eventually got his fever down and he has never had another one.
We lived in Cincinnati for about a year and a half, until Pop got sick. That is when Jamie had decided he had had enough of work and stress. We moved back home with no plan and a home that wouldn’t sell. We moved in with Sharon and Bubba. I struggled a lot that year. I battled depression and stayed frustrated most of the time. I went to work at the school as their School Nurse. It was just mainly to help out as best I could with our finances and still be there for the boys. Over Christmas break I got a call from our realtor that the house had completely flooded. Long story short, a pipe burst and the insurance company refused to fix it. What a blow! I sure needed you during this time. I needed my Daddy to tell me what to do and how to handle the situation. A year later, we had to file bankruptcy and they have finally foreclosed on the house. It will go to Auction in May. Just a run of bad luck!
Life is better now. We moved out into an older home in August. The boys are so happy. I just about have it fixed up. Just have the two bathrooms to work on now. Mom came over the other day and helped me get a few flowerbeds done. It’s just nice to have my own place. Don’t get me wrong I am so thankful that Bubba and Sharon gave us a place to live, but it’s nice to be back on our feet again. I am going back to work part-time at the hospital. Jamie is working at the school. He has changed so much this past year. He isn’t so cynical towards church anymore. He has become more family oriented. He’s just become a better person. I got help with my depression. I am on medication and I feel so much better now.
Mom and I have been spending Thursday’s together. We have been scrap booking and just enjoying being together. She is remarried. Feels strange telling you that. But, I know you would approve. Tommy is really sweet and he loves her so much. He has been wonderful for her. He lost his wife to cancer a month after you passed. He cares for Dana and I so much and just treats us all so wonderful. He has a daughter that is my age and she is really sweet. It’s just all so strange, feels like this should be happening to other people.
Well, I think that catches us up. I will continually update you on the boys and my life. I miss you Daddy.
I love you,
Jan “Baby girl”
A lot has happened in the 6 years that you have been gone. I have two boys now. But then again you already knew about them, because you told me about them in a dream long before we ever thought about having kids. Daddy, you would love them to pieces. They are the light of my life. I never knew being a Mom could be so fun and tiring all at the same time.
My pregnancy with James was easy! I enjoyed every minute of it. I worked until two weeks before he was born. I remember the day we found out it was a boy. I was so excited to tell everyone. I wanted to call you so badly. I knew you would be so thrilled. You probably would have gone out that day and bought him a rod and reel. The delivery was a breeze. Everyone was there. I knew you were there in spirit. I had this picture of what you would look like holding him. The smile on your face while you looked at him. He was and still is a sweet baby! Everyone said he looked like a Stewart, but as he is getting older he is starting to look a lot like you. His face is shaped like yours and he is tall and skinny. Of course the only thing he will eat is spaghetti and meatballs, chicken nuggets, cheeseburgers (with no pickles or onions), or pizza. He is very picky about his food. He has the sweetest laugh. He loves to tell stories. He is so loving. He will be doing something and just say, “Mommy, I love you.” It will melt your heart.
Six months after James was born, Jamie convinced me that we should have another. I know – CRAZY! My pregnancy with Thomas wasn’t so easy. I was sick quite a bit with him. Of course, I was a lot more tired because I was chasing James around. I had several blow ups towards the end because I was so terrified. We had only been in Cincinnati for less than a year and I felt so lonely without family or friends. Jamie was working all the time and it was hard. The delivery wasn’t as easy as the first time. His heart rate kept dropping and my blood pressure went pretty low. They had oxygen on me and I really don’t remember much more. I was pretty scared. He was a pretty easy baby. So sweet and loved to snuggle! The day we were released from the hospital was pretty comical! The keys got locked in the van that the Stewart’s were driving. James was crying like crazy. (He had an ear infection.) The boys worked on getting the van unlocked. I told them at the beginning that security would have something to get the door open, but of course they didn’t listen. About 20 minutes later Sharon got security and within minutes it was unlocked.
My days were pretty much the same. I slept whenever they slept. We watched “The Wiggles” pretty much all day long. James soon learned that when I was feeding Thomas he could do whatever he wanted and there wasn’t anything I could do. One day he had a bag of chips and decided to pour the whole bag out and dance on them. Then when I told him to try and clean them up, he got his little play vacuum and tried to clean them up. Jamie was working a lot then. He would leave pretty early and get home pretty late. He wasn’t enjoying his job as much as he did when we were in Nashville. We had a nice house; we way overbought for our budget. You live and learn right?
The most terrifying thing that happened while we were there was when James got bad sick. He was around 14mths old. He woke up with a terrible fever – 105.0. I was so scared; he had never had a fever that high. I got him an appointment with the doctor and I was able to get his fever down by giving him a bath. When we were at the doctor they told me his temperature was normal. When we got home 30 minutes later he was laying in Jamie’s lap and just didn’t look right. He got very gray looking, his lips turned blue, he wouldn’t answer us. I immediately called 911 and as I was on the phone with them he started having a seizure. His temp was up again. They carried his little limp body to the ambulance and a sweet neighbor came over and kept Thomas for us. I was so scared and just praying the whole way to the hospital. All I could think about was when Papaw had his seizure that killed him and then wondering if James would ever come back to us. When we arrived at the hospital he was talking a little. I was holding him in the room and while I was answering a question he started into another seizure. As a mother I don’t know when I have ever been so scared in all my life. I was praying and worrying all at the same time. I knew God was taking care of him, but I just couldn’t keep my mind from wandering. They eventually got his fever down and he has never had another one.
We lived in Cincinnati for about a year and a half, until Pop got sick. That is when Jamie had decided he had had enough of work and stress. We moved back home with no plan and a home that wouldn’t sell. We moved in with Sharon and Bubba. I struggled a lot that year. I battled depression and stayed frustrated most of the time. I went to work at the school as their School Nurse. It was just mainly to help out as best I could with our finances and still be there for the boys. Over Christmas break I got a call from our realtor that the house had completely flooded. Long story short, a pipe burst and the insurance company refused to fix it. What a blow! I sure needed you during this time. I needed my Daddy to tell me what to do and how to handle the situation. A year later, we had to file bankruptcy and they have finally foreclosed on the house. It will go to Auction in May. Just a run of bad luck!
Life is better now. We moved out into an older home in August. The boys are so happy. I just about have it fixed up. Just have the two bathrooms to work on now. Mom came over the other day and helped me get a few flowerbeds done. It’s just nice to have my own place. Don’t get me wrong I am so thankful that Bubba and Sharon gave us a place to live, but it’s nice to be back on our feet again. I am going back to work part-time at the hospital. Jamie is working at the school. He has changed so much this past year. He isn’t so cynical towards church anymore. He has become more family oriented. He’s just become a better person. I got help with my depression. I am on medication and I feel so much better now.
Mom and I have been spending Thursday’s together. We have been scrap booking and just enjoying being together. She is remarried. Feels strange telling you that. But, I know you would approve. Tommy is really sweet and he loves her so much. He has been wonderful for her. He lost his wife to cancer a month after you passed. He cares for Dana and I so much and just treats us all so wonderful. He has a daughter that is my age and she is really sweet. It’s just all so strange, feels like this should be happening to other people.
Well, I think that catches us up. I will continually update you on the boys and my life. I miss you Daddy.
I love you,
Jan “Baby girl”
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Dear Daddy Letter
April 22, 2008
Dear Daddy,
It will be 6 years next month since you passed away, but it still feels like yesterday. Life just hasn’t been the same without you here. There are so many things I wanted to talk to you about and couldn’t. I still remember sitting there with you in the living room, it was just the two of us and we were listening to music. I had finally gotten up enough courage to talk to you and tell you things that were on my mind, but when I opened my mouth I got choked up and couldn’t speak and I could feel the tears coming so instead I just sat there and looked at you. I’m sorry, I should have just talked to you but I was trying to be so strong and brave.
I love you! You were a wonderful Father. I’m sorry you had to suffer for so long. I wish I could have eased your pain. I wish that I could have prayed with you more, I was just so afraid of coming across weak and scared. (Because I was weak and scared.) I knew what was happening to you physically, but I just didn’t want to accept it. I kept telling myself that God wasn’t going to allow you to leave us and I just figured I had more time.
I miss your hugs the most! I miss the way you would tilt your head to the side, give me that half grin and say “You’re so pretty”. I miss hearing you say “I love you”. I miss your stupid jokes that would make me laugh so hard I would snort. I just miss the everyday stuff. I so enjoyed being with you. I liked the fact that you were proud of me. I never wanted to disappoint you. I remember after I got married, when you would see me at church your face would light up with a big smile and you would wave and mouth I love you. Man, that one small thing just made my day. I loved hearing you pray. Your prayers were always so sincere and so full of passion. I envy your faith! No matter what the circumstance, your faith never wavered.
I remember the last time you were in the hospital, it was when you were having the IV Chemo directly into the liver. You had to lay still and flat on your back. I knew you were miserable, and someone had sent a basket of goodies. You told me to look through it and see if there was anything fun to do. There was a game in it, to this day I can’t even remember what the game was, but we laughed and just enjoyed being together. After we finished the game, you asked me to read the Bible to you. I did and I have to say that was one of the most special times I spent with you. It was just the two of us and there was no fear, no tension, no worry; it was just us enjoying the moment together.
I have to say, I feel so bad for girls who don’t have a Dad who loves them or wants to be with them. It is so true that girls get their self-esteem and self-worth from their Daddies. They learn how a man should treat them by how their Dad treats their Mother. You get an A+++. I always felt so loved by you. I never once questioned how you felt about me. You always let me know how proud you were of me, and how special I was to you. I know that Mom feels the same way. You were so good to all of us. You always took care of us and even after your death you made sure that Mom was well provided for. Thank you!
Life is definitely different without you here. It will never be the same. I will always have this longing in my heart for you. So, even though I know you won’t be able to read these letters, it will still make me feel as though you are here. I just want to be able to share the everyday things with you. I love you Daddy and I will always be your “Baby girl”.
I love you forever,
Jan
Dear Daddy,
It will be 6 years next month since you passed away, but it still feels like yesterday. Life just hasn’t been the same without you here. There are so many things I wanted to talk to you about and couldn’t. I still remember sitting there with you in the living room, it was just the two of us and we were listening to music. I had finally gotten up enough courage to talk to you and tell you things that were on my mind, but when I opened my mouth I got choked up and couldn’t speak and I could feel the tears coming so instead I just sat there and looked at you. I’m sorry, I should have just talked to you but I was trying to be so strong and brave.
I love you! You were a wonderful Father. I’m sorry you had to suffer for so long. I wish I could have eased your pain. I wish that I could have prayed with you more, I was just so afraid of coming across weak and scared. (Because I was weak and scared.) I knew what was happening to you physically, but I just didn’t want to accept it. I kept telling myself that God wasn’t going to allow you to leave us and I just figured I had more time.
I miss your hugs the most! I miss the way you would tilt your head to the side, give me that half grin and say “You’re so pretty”. I miss hearing you say “I love you”. I miss your stupid jokes that would make me laugh so hard I would snort. I just miss the everyday stuff. I so enjoyed being with you. I liked the fact that you were proud of me. I never wanted to disappoint you. I remember after I got married, when you would see me at church your face would light up with a big smile and you would wave and mouth I love you. Man, that one small thing just made my day. I loved hearing you pray. Your prayers were always so sincere and so full of passion. I envy your faith! No matter what the circumstance, your faith never wavered.
I remember the last time you were in the hospital, it was when you were having the IV Chemo directly into the liver. You had to lay still and flat on your back. I knew you were miserable, and someone had sent a basket of goodies. You told me to look through it and see if there was anything fun to do. There was a game in it, to this day I can’t even remember what the game was, but we laughed and just enjoyed being together. After we finished the game, you asked me to read the Bible to you. I did and I have to say that was one of the most special times I spent with you. It was just the two of us and there was no fear, no tension, no worry; it was just us enjoying the moment together.
I have to say, I feel so bad for girls who don’t have a Dad who loves them or wants to be with them. It is so true that girls get their self-esteem and self-worth from their Daddies. They learn how a man should treat them by how their Dad treats their Mother. You get an A+++. I always felt so loved by you. I never once questioned how you felt about me. You always let me know how proud you were of me, and how special I was to you. I know that Mom feels the same way. You were so good to all of us. You always took care of us and even after your death you made sure that Mom was well provided for. Thank you!
Life is definitely different without you here. It will never be the same. I will always have this longing in my heart for you. So, even though I know you won’t be able to read these letters, it will still make me feel as though you are here. I just want to be able to share the everyday things with you. I love you Daddy and I will always be your “Baby girl”.
I love you forever,
Jan
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