Truth

Dear Daddy,

Truth is, I am terrified about going back to work. I’ve been out for 3 years now, what if I’m really not that good a nurse. I am truly scared, but I am going to go back. My plan is to get my resume ready this weekend and start the job hunt Monday. I can use all the good luck you can give me.

Truth is, I have really enjoyed having the boys home with me. I am typing this letter next to James, who has his computer with him typing as fast as me. The boys are getting so big. I just don’t want to miss out on anything. I don’t want work to pull me away from anything they are doing. I’m sure lots of mom’s feel the same way. Guess I shouldn’t be so spoiled about it. I just think about my life as a kid and what I remember most and cherish the most were the times we all spent together as a family. I remember you letting us ride on your back around the house. Going on trips to Branson and Eureka Springs. Do you remember the cabin in the woods we stayed in and watched the movie “The Birds”. I was so freaked out for days. I just knew the birds were going to come get us in the woods. We had some good family vacations.

Truth is, Dana doesn’t need me anymore. She is getting married. Storm finally bought her a ring and they will probably be married by the end of the summer. Don’t get me wrong I am very happy for her. But it always feels good to be needed. The girls really love him and he is so good to all of them. They need a Dad and I’m glad that they have found someone who will love them and treat them good. Those girls have gotten so big and they miss you so much. Whitney is 5’8” and gorgeous. She has been giving Dana fits, but Dana has her in counseling and I think it will help. Katherine is just as cute as she can be. I’m not real sure how much she remembers of you, but she talks about you a lot. I hate that you aren’t here to enjoy all of your grandkids.

Truth is, Jamie and I are a lot better than we have been. Boy, there are so many things that can strain a marriage. All the crap that we have been through in the last two years has really hurt us. Things are getting better. We had a great talk the other day and really, I think if we would just communicate instead of hiding behind our kids our life together would be so much better. I love him and he reminds me a lot of you. I just don’t want to see him waste his talents. He has so many great ideas and could really do great things and maybe the school is his calling, I just have to trust his instincts.

Truth is, I miss you so much! I know I say it every time, but it is true. I want you here so bad. Life changed so much once you left. I’m not a fan of change either! I just wish you could be here with the boys. You would enjoy every minute with them. They both love to fish. James doesn’t want to touch the fish and Thomas would eat them right out of the water. Thomas definitely has your sense of humor and James is starting to look just like you. Thomas still calls Pastor Rod, Grandfather. Anytime I need a Dad hug I know I can get one from him. They just aren’t the same though. There is something about a Daddy’s hug, not only do you feel engulfed by them, but you also feel the intense love your Daddy has for you in them. Okay, gonna have to get off this subject, starting to cry.

Funny stories about the boys:

James:
Jamie had the boys in the car and they drove by McClellan, where the big boys were out practicing football. Jamie told them, “Look boys, they are practicing football. They will practice for the next three months to get ready for the season.” James said, “Three months, that will take weeks!”

He calls Wild River Country “Wild Berry Country”

Thomas:
Thomas was sitting in the chair with me the other night. I was talking to James and Thomas flicked me on my face. I said “hey why are you doing that”. He looked at me and smiled and said “You need to chill out!” Where do these kids learn these things!

Well, I love you and miss you just as much.

Love forever,

Jan "Baby girl"

Father's Day

Dear Daddy,

Well, Mamaw Feroben just joined the big family reunion. I know she was so happy to see all of you. Dana said that she probably had you playing the piano for her first thing. Aunt Patsy told us the news Tuesday. We weren’t able to go, but I think we all pretty much said our goodbyes the last time we saw her. She looked so frail then, but she still had that great sense of humor. With her Alzheimer’s as bad as it was, she really didn’t know anybody. She was so pleasant though and she had her little baby doll that she clung to. I asked her if she wanted to trade for Thomas and she just smiled at me and said “I don’t think so!” Then just laughed. She was such a sweet lady and we will miss her a bunch.

It’s funny how certain things can bring back a flood of memories. Every time I see a big beautiful hydrangea bush I think of Mamaw and Papaw’s house (Your Mom and Dad’s house). Remembering all the fun times we had during the summer. I’m glad that you and mom allowed us to go visit them and Granny & Grandpa every summer. I cherish all the times we spent with all of them. I loved hearing Mamaw tell us all the stories of you growing up. She told us about the time you skipped school and she said “Franky was always so worried about what we would think that his conscious would get the best of him before we could and he would tell us everything before we even asked.” I remember her telling me that on that one occasion she was so disappointed in you and you knew it, that you went to her and asked if the two of you could pray together. Even as a kid you were full of faith. Now, you weren’t so full of faith when you and your friends decided to throw cherry bombs in the toilet at school! HA!!!

Well, Father’s Day is tomorrow. This holiday is worse than any other one. It is the one day set aside to honor you, but you aren’t here. I envy the ones that still have their daddy’s! I was wishing today that I could just have one of your hugs. I guess the thing I have struggled with the most is that life moves on for everyone else. I’m sure everyone who has lost someone special to them has struggled with this. Life goes on, but I don’t want anyone to forget how special you were. I just beam when someone mentions your name, or something they miss about you. Because that means they haven’t forgotten about you. Silly, huh? You were just so incredibly special to me and always will be. No one will ever take your place, but I am glad to have Tommy here to help fill the void a little. If you don’t mind, I am going to give mom some money towards a Father’s Day present.

Dana talked to me most of the way to mom’s house last night. We were talking about Mamaw Feroben and all of our family that have passed on. Then we both started thinking about when Mama Forbes died. It wasn’t long after Mamaw and Papaw died. You were so upset. Dana and I sat in the back of the church and I will never forget seeing you at her coffin. You were laid over her and just shaking and sobbing. I had never seen you like that before. I was so upset because my Daddy was hurting and I didn’t know how to fix it. Dana felt the same way. Of course, then we admitted to each other that we both cried anytime we saw you or Mom crying, whether it be at home or at church. We just love you both and never wanted to see you hurting.

Happy Father's Day to the most wonderful Father in the world. You will always be #1 in my book.

Okay so some stories about the boys:

Thomas loves to ride Grandaddy's mower. He calls it the motor. Last week he brought it to the house and Thomas and I mowed the grass. Well, needless to say I am glad that wasn't caught on camera. I'm sure the neighbors got quite a laugh. I didn't know that there was a bar above me in the back and well it got caught twice on a tree and a cable, at which point the front tires came completely off the ground. Threw it in reverse quickly and Thomas looked back at me both times and said "That was close Mommy!" Then I thought it might be nice of me to put it back on the trailer before Jamie got back. Did you know trailers need to be hooked to a vehicle before you load a mower on it. Well, now I do. Tipped the front end up and then sped up on it and slammed the thing down. Stupid huh?

James is going through a pretty rotten phase. He has become a brat! Jamie and I are trying our best to get him out of this phase pretty quick. I cannot stand the whining and the sassiness. Hopefully it won't last much longer. Just a lot of time outs and spankings.

I love you forever!

Jan - Baby girl

When I get big, will you marry me?

Dear Daddy,

I have caught myself having some of the same conversations with James and Thomas that you had with me. I ask them all the time to stay little for Mommy. James replies “But Mommy, I want to get big like you and Daddy”. He asked me the other day “Mommy, is it okay if I get big even since you want me to stay little?”. My reply “I guess so.” James: “Mommy, when I get big will you marry me?” Well, now I know how much it melted your heart when I asked you the very same thing. My mind immediately went back to being 6 and having that same conversation with you. I still remember the smile it brought to your face.

I think one of my fondest memories was when I was in High school and some punk broke my heart. I was sitting in the front living room just crying. You came in and sat next to me on the couch and put your arm around me and said “Just stay with Dad, I won’t ever break your heart.” Then we watched the Jungle Book together and you made me laugh by singing the King of the Jungle. Years later, we are standing together at the back of the church waiting to go down the aisle and you looked at me and said “You know you don’t have to get married, you could just stay with Dad and I will go and tell everyone and no one will be upset.” I said “Dad, I love you but I gotta get married.” Looks like I married my Dad after all. Jamie is a lot like you. I must say though, you didn’t live up to your end of the deal. You did break my heart, the day you died. I haven’t been the same since. I know it wasn’t your fault and it was God’s timing, but it still hurt the same. Just shows how much I loved you. Your six year anniversary was the 25th. I’m sorry I didn’t go to the cemetery. It’s just too hard. The reality of it really hits you when you see that headstone. I know you aren’t there, and I know you understand why I didn’t go.

Well, I will start job hunting next week. That’s right, I’m going back to work at the hospital. I’ve missed it. I really enjoyed getting to know the families and patients. I know it is what I was meant to do or I wouldn’t love it so much. I will probably try to get a job at Baptist. I just don’t want to be away from my boys. They are so young and I don’t want to miss anything with them. I am strongly considering the weekend option. Work Saturday night and Sunday night. I can go straight from work to church and go to first service. Then, Dana is going to let me just come sleep the day at her house. So, that would mean I’m only gone from the boys for one day and I have the rest of the week with them. I wish you could tell me your thoughts on this. I’m sure you would think it was okay. I know your only concern would be church. Pastor Rod is interesting enough, that I doubt I would sleep thru his sermons. (HA!!)

Speaking of church, you wouldn’t believe how much it has changed. We have gone to three services now, can you believe it? It’s pretty strange. I know it has got to be a struggle on the staff. The church itself is doing really good. I have done two CPR classes for them. It was strange Saturday, because I taught Pam, Reta, and Shirley “Judy”. They have known me since I was in junior high and now I am teaching them. Crazy huh? I know you would have been puffed up with pride. Anyway, they are getting ready to start a Mother’s Day Out program, so that was why I was doing the CPR classes. Kids in Worship was last night. Katherine had a solo and did so good. Got lots of pictures. Afterwards, we went out with Dana and girls and Storm's family. You would love his mom and dad. They are really sweet. Mom and Tommy really enjoyed talking with them. I really think Storm is the one for Dana. I haven’t seen her this happy in a long time. He has already asked all of us for our blessing to ask for her hand in marriage. He even talked to Pastor Rod. From what I understand he gave him the Father talk that he promised you he would. I know that you had some conversations with him and I will probably never know what what said, but I am glad that you two were so close. I know he has a lot on his plate and he has to be a lot of things to a lot of people; but he has really made all of us feel like we weren’t abandoned.

Mom is doing good. I have been going up there on Thursday’s and spending time with her. We scrapbook and goof off. This past Thursday when I got there, she said “let’s just go shopping and not stay at the house.” Of course I said well sure! You know me, I am always up for shopping. We saved you quite a bit of money!!!! We laughed so much that day and just really enjoyed being together. She is really happy. Of course, none of us will ever truly be the same since you are gone but we are making the best of it. Tommy is so good to her and I really do love him. He will never take your place, but thanks for sending someone who cares for me like you did.

Let’s see, James just finished baseball. That was a joke! He is so shy that baseball was just not his thing. Every time he would get up to bat, if he hit the ball of course everyone would scream; well he thought they were mad at him and he would run straight to the dugout crying. I always make the joke that if they hadn’t cut the umbilical cord he would still be attached. He would stand in the field and cry and say “Mommy I want you”. Pitiful! We would bribe him with ice cream cones, doughnuts, icee’s anything we could think of to just stay out on the field. When it was his turn to bat, I would have to stand right next to the batter’s box just so he would go up there. You would have laughed so hard. But, it is finally over. We go Thursday night to the party to get our trophy. Jamie and I have earned it!!!!

Okay, some funny stories about the boys:

James loves to quote movies. The great thing is that now he knows when to quote them. Two examples:
1. The other night, while I was gone, the boys kept going into the front room where I keep all my stuff. Jamie told them several times to stay out of there and turned out the light. Not a minute later James was in there and Jamie really got on to him. He came out of the room and sat in the doorway. He lowered his head down and said “I'm such a loser”. Jamie was so upset and asked him "where in the world did you hear that?" James looked up and smiled and said "The Barnyard", then went on about his business.
2. Friday, James and Thomas were helping us work outside. James was sitting down and Jamie said “come on James, help Daddy.” James replied “I’m too tired.” Jamie: “Why, you haven’t really done anything.” James: “You been kickin my butt for two days now.” Jamie just came unglued and said “who taught you that”. James “From Open Season”. Of course, we had to teach him that we don’t say butt. Amazing what they pick up.

Thomas is just plain funny. No matter what he says or does. Last night while we were eating he shoved a whole bunch of spaghetti in his mouth, then stood up in the chair and said “Look at me Mommy, I’m stronger.” Then proceeded to flex his tiny muscles. Of course, everyone at the table got a good laugh. The kid is a bottom-less pit. He likes everything that you eat. If I am sitting on the couch eating bran cereal he comes up and says “Hey mommy will you share with me.” How can you resist.

Well, I love you so much. I am going to try and do better and write at least every couple of days. I miss you so much!

I love you forever!
Jan – Baby Girl