Ramblings

Dear Daddy,

Yesterday my baby officially turned 4. Boy was I sad. I’m not ready for him to be big. The State Police helicopter came out and of course he thought it was because it was his birthday. They both enjoyed seeing it and getting inside of it. We had Safety Day today and had Fire, Police, Ambulance, etc. here. The boys really enjoyed it. The Police officer with the K9 was here as well. James came up to me outside and said “Mommy, I gotta tell you something. Maybe Jordie and Gino (the K9) can be friends and he can come over and play.” Funny how their little minds work.

I have lost 3 pounds. I started doing Pilates in the morning and in the evening. Also started cutting back on how much junk I eat. You always told me this day was coming when I would have to watch what I was eating. I have to say though, I feel much better now that I have been working out. It really does give me more energy.

I had a long talk with a good friend of mine last night. I have really been struggling lately. I wish that I could learn to be content. I wish that it didn’t bother me to not have a lot of material things. You were so good at that. You were content to stay in the same house until you were old and gray. You bought some extravagant things but you didn’t believe in credit cards, so if it meant you had to wait a while you did. I just wish I could be like that. I guess it’s just really hard now. We went from having the nice $300,000 house and the material things we wanted to being back where we started when we first married. It’s hard to go back. Don’t get me wrong, I am very happy with our home. The boys are so destructive that I don’t really want to get a new home until they are much older. But, Jamie’s car died and we just can’t make a car payment right now. So, he is driving a school van and relying on me when there isn’t a van available. I know that if we ever want to get something new I will definitely have to go back to work. I just miss the days of being home with the boys and watching their every growing moment. Jamie is happy being at the school and really feels like this is his purpose in life. I can’t ask him to change that because I am greedy. He is providing for us, he is working extra to pay for life insurance and he is doing a great job with the bills. So, instead I am going to go back to work at the hospital 2 days a week; which will enable me to get insurance. Once I start working we should be able to get a reliable vehicle. I know, some of this is just immaturity on my part. I just wish I could get past the whole “keeping up with the Jones’s”.

Well, enough of that. Mother’s Day is coming up this weekend. Dana and I want to do something with Mom and really make her feel special. I received a beautiful flower arrangement from Mom today for Mother’s Day. She is always so good at those things. She never misses a birthday, anniversary, special day, you name it she’s got a card for it. Makes you feel loved.

I love you Daddy. I know I say it every time, but I miss you so much!

Love,
Jan – Your Baby Girl Forever

The Party

Dear Daddy,

Well, this weekend we had James’ 4th birthday party. It was a gorgeous day! We had everyone over to the house and the jumpers out. He had a Star Wars party. You would have loved it. He got lots of light sabers (or as he calls it “life savers”). I just can’t believe he is already turning 4. Life goes by so quick, just seems like yesterday he was a tiny infant.

Dana and the girls were there with Storm. You would love him. He is so good to the girls and to Dana. He just adores them. I’m pretty sure they will marry. Dana seems really happy. Whitney is giving her fits, but she hasn’t been the same since the divorce and your passing. The girls haven’t seen their father in almost 2 years now. I tend to think that is a good thing. But, the effects of not having a strong father figure in their life is starting to show. I worry about them. You know I would do anything for them. So if you could, please watch over them when we can’t. Be that little voice in Whitney’s ear to keep her from doing wrong. Dana is struggling a little with her relationship with Storm. She needs you to tell her to let go and love again. She is so scared of being hurt, that it has become easy for her to make excuses and be alone. I want to see all of them happy again. The girls need a father so badly; they need that affirmation and love. I was so lucky to have you as a Daddy! Please, let Storm be that person for them.

I had a sleepover with some girls from the school Saturday night. It was so much fun feeling like a kid again. Sunday we got up and three of them went to church with me. The sermon was amazing! Pastor Rod was talking to us about Watching out for our children. It was more about the responsibilities we have to each generation. I was sitting in that service and thinking about whether or not I am a good leader. I hope that I can be half the leader you were. He was talking about how when we are older it isn’t about accomplishments anymore, but more about the legacy we will leave behind. You left a wonderful legacy of Faith and commitment. I admire all that you accomplished in your life, but more than that I admire your commitment to God and your Family. You never once let me down. Not sure how many kids can say that about their parents. I knew I could always count on you for anything. You supported me, you encouraged me, but most of all you loved me. I still remember you waking us up in the early mornings and us having prayer together as a family. Dana and I mostly slept, but I could still here you praying for us. Asking God to watch over us and guide our lives. Thank you for that legacy. I hope that I can be as good a role model not only to those girls, but also to my kids.

Well, in the next couple of weeks I will be looking for a job at the hospital. I miss working in the hospital. It was so rewarding. Getting to know the patients and their families. I just love it. I am going to work part-time so that I can get insurance and then still work at the school one day a week. Then one day I will be with the babies and one day will be for scrap booking with mom.

Hopefully, we will be able to get a new car after I start working there. Jamie’s Infinity finally died and the Mountaineer is on its last leg. Gas prices are outrageous, and I wish we could get something smaller but if we ever decide to have another baby we would need a bigger car. So, guess I’m just going to have to endure the gas prices. Sure wish I could get your advice on what to get. You were always good at that kind of stuff.

Well, I guess I should sign off now. I love you Daddy and miss you terribly!

Love,
Jan – Your baby girl forever