Dear Daddy Letter

April 22, 2008

Dear Daddy,

It will be 6 years next month since you passed away, but it still feels like yesterday. Life just hasn’t been the same without you here. There are so many things I wanted to talk to you about and couldn’t. I still remember sitting there with you in the living room, it was just the two of us and we were listening to music. I had finally gotten up enough courage to talk to you and tell you things that were on my mind, but when I opened my mouth I got choked up and couldn’t speak and I could feel the tears coming so instead I just sat there and looked at you. I’m sorry, I should have just talked to you but I was trying to be so strong and brave.

I love you! You were a wonderful Father. I’m sorry you had to suffer for so long. I wish I could have eased your pain. I wish that I could have prayed with you more, I was just so afraid of coming across weak and scared. (Because I was weak and scared.) I knew what was happening to you physically, but I just didn’t want to accept it. I kept telling myself that God wasn’t going to allow you to leave us and I just figured I had more time.

I miss your hugs the most! I miss the way you would tilt your head to the side, give me that half grin and say “You’re so pretty”. I miss hearing you say “I love you”. I miss your stupid jokes that would make me laugh so hard I would snort. I just miss the everyday stuff. I so enjoyed being with you. I liked the fact that you were proud of me. I never wanted to disappoint you. I remember after I got married, when you would see me at church your face would light up with a big smile and you would wave and mouth I love you. Man, that one small thing just made my day. I loved hearing you pray. Your prayers were always so sincere and so full of passion. I envy your faith! No matter what the circumstance, your faith never wavered.

I remember the last time you were in the hospital, it was when you were having the IV Chemo directly into the liver. You had to lay still and flat on your back. I knew you were miserable, and someone had sent a basket of goodies. You told me to look through it and see if there was anything fun to do. There was a game in it, to this day I can’t even remember what the game was, but we laughed and just enjoyed being together. After we finished the game, you asked me to read the Bible to you. I did and I have to say that was one of the most special times I spent with you. It was just the two of us and there was no fear, no tension, no worry; it was just us enjoying the moment together.

I have to say, I feel so bad for girls who don’t have a Dad who loves them or wants to be with them. It is so true that girls get their self-esteem and self-worth from their Daddies. They learn how a man should treat them by how their Dad treats their Mother. You get an A+++. I always felt so loved by you. I never once questioned how you felt about me. You always let me know how proud you were of me, and how special I was to you. I know that Mom feels the same way. You were so good to all of us. You always took care of us and even after your death you made sure that Mom was well provided for. Thank you!

Life is definitely different without you here. It will never be the same. I will always have this longing in my heart for you. So, even though I know you won’t be able to read these letters, it will still make me feel as though you are here. I just want to be able to share the everyday things with you. I love you Daddy and I will always be your “Baby girl”.

I love you forever,
Jan