The Start of 2009

Dear Daddy,

Sorry it's been so long since I last wrote. Life has just been moving on. I'm having a hard time picutring you lately. How is it that after time you can stop seeing someon in your head that you loved so deeply? If I imagine you laughing, I can hear and see you so clearly. That bright smile that took up your whole face and that laugh that was so infectious. I miss you so much, you just don't know. I woke up this morning and couldn't go back to sleep and started thinking about you. It's just not fair! I hate that all my boys know of you is that you were my Daddy and you live in heaven. How do you answer a sad 3 year old when he says "Why couldn't Grandfather stay here with us?" I'm sorry I don't mean to be such a downer, just one of those mornings.

I still love my job. I guess that's what makes me think about all of this. I see so many patients and their families going through the same thing. Life just doesn't prepare you for this kind of loss. You never get over it, you just learn to live with the ups and downs. Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries - all of them are never the same. This year mom and Tommy decided that they needed to start new traditions and start going away for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I understand why, it's hard for them too. But man did it ever hurt. I felt like I was being punished for you leaving. Don't get me wrong, I know that things can't always stay the same and after their losses they just can't go back to doing things the way the always did. It was just a sad Christmas. I enjoy being with Jamie's family - but I miss the time with mine. Things will never be as they were and over time I will get better with it.

Did I tell you that Dana got married. He is wonderful. You would absolutely love him. He adores Dana and just dotes on the girls. I'm so thankful God sent him their way. The day they got married the girls instantly started calling him Daddy. I love it. They have waited so long for someone to love them like a Father does and they finally got it. Dana is so happy. I never thought I would see the day that she would be this happy.

Jamie and I just celebrated 13 years. Can you believe it? I still remember you walking me down the isle. I remember standing outside the doors and you asked me "Are you sure you really want to do this? Cause if you want to just stay with Dad I will walk down there and call it off and no one will be upset." I remember looking at you and telling you I was sure and I was ready. What did I know? I was 21 - still a baby trying to finish college. But you know what we've made it 13 years. We've definitely had our share of struggles but I love him more today then I did back then.

The boys, well they are the light of our lives. They are so loving and constantly come up and hug and kiss us and tell us how much they love us. The other night Thomas told Jamie "Daddy we need to talk about how we can make me a lil bother or sister." Jamie "um well do you want a baby brother or sister?" Thomas "yep, what if tomorrow night we build him out of wood and glue!" Now that's my kind of birds and bees talk! James is learning to read - he's four and learning to read. I can't believe my baby will be in Kindergarten next year. Time really does fly. How is that - how can time fly in areas of your life and just stand still in other areas?

Well, I need to get ready for work. I love you Daddy! You were one of my best educators in life and love. I promise to start this back up. I needed it today! I love you and miss you so much.

Love,
Jan - Your Babygirl forever!